Man theoretically buys homeless person a sandwich

A WOULD-BE good Samaritan is theoretically up for buying a homeless person something to eat.

39-year-old office worker Norman Steele did the hypothetical good deed after homeless Stephen Malley asked him for change.

After ignoring Malley, Steele said: “You can’t give them money because they only spend it on smack.

“The sensible thing to do is to go and get them a sandwich and a drink, like the homeless equivalent of giving someone a book token.

“Otherwise you’re just perpetuating the cycle of unfortunateness.”

Steele’s girlfriend Susan Traherne said: “Seeing as Norman seems to have this all worked out, you’d have thought the ideal time to put his philanthropy into practise would have been when approached by a homeless person who claimed to be hungry.

“But Norman just averted his eyes and quickened his pace. Maybe the ‘sandwich gift theory’ is part of a bigger strategy of slightly patronising charity work.”

Homeless person Stephen Malley said: “I will accept any donations, however condescending.”

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New cookery show based on bringing in junk food

A NEW cooking show will see contestants compete by bringing in their favourite junk food.

The BBC said The Great British Junk Food Bring will enable passionate fast food addicts to take part in a ‘cookery’ show.

Producer Donna Sheridan said: “There will still be plenty of drama. Will Ian’s seven-layered Big King Sandwich topple over on the way to the judging table? Will Gillian devour her box of 20 McNuggets before the judges get a chance to taste them?

“These are people who love food, but have chosen to live their lives free of cutlery.”

Contestant Tom Logan said: “I’ve pulled out all the stops with my Domino’s 12-inch Mighty Meaty by ordering potato wedges and Chicken Strippers on the side, as well as a bottle of Dr Pepper and a bottle of Sprite.

“I’m up against a lovely woman called Sue who brought in a 14-piece KFC bucket with loads of extra sachets of salt, which I thought was a clever touch.”

He added: “There’s also a guy who brought a Happy Meal with a rare Finding Nemo toy, which I think is cheating because he’s a trained McDonald’s server with two stars.”