Cumberbatch urges theatre goers to appreciate how very f**king special he is

BENEDICT Cumberbatch last night pleaded with London theatre goers to remember that he is so very fucking special.

The fancy Sherlock Holmes star appeared at the stage door of the Barbican Theatre, where is playing Hamlet, to point out that he is completely wonderful and we are all very lucky to have him in our lives.

He said: “It’s extremely painful for actors because we’re so much better than you and yet we’re forced to share the planet with you.

“Until we get our own planet could you please acknowledge that I really am very fucking special and that pretending to be someone else is the most difficult job in the world.

“People have paid a lot of money to come here and stare at me while I say things they don’t really understand. The least you could do is agree that it’s the most beautiful and important thing that’s ever happened.”

Cumberbatch then asked people to spread the message via social media, stressing he was unable to do that himself ‘because social media is for scum’.

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Nightclubs closing as punters recreate hellish environment at home

FORMER clubbers are choosing to stay in and recreate the deeply unpleasant nightclub experience in their homes.

As it emerged that almost half of UK nightclubs have closed, Britons confirmed that it that was less hassle to invite loads of sleazy men and idiot cokehead girls round and charge everyone two quid to hang up a coat.

23-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Going to clubs is absolutely horrible but also expensive, whereas turning your house into a nightclub is horrible but immensely lucrative.

“I’m charging a fiver for warm cans of Heineken, and my housemate’s in the bathroom spraying Joop! aftershave onto people then hassling them for a pound coin.

“To complete the dehumanising, authentic club vibe we’ve got two burly gym freaks intimately searching everyone on the door and a middle-aged man in a vest DJing decades-old house music.

“I’ve turned the taps off so people have to buy ‘mineral water’, it’s illegal but hey this is a business now.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “Nikki’s house is just like a proper club, it’s really packed but you still feel weirdly lonely.”

Hollis said that she planned to turn her house, 53 Middle Street, into an international clubbing brand by loaning other party hosts a banner with ’53 Middle Street’ written on it in a cool font.

However nightclub owner Tom Booker said: “We are being crushed by the rise of living room superclubs.

“Not sure where we went wrong. Yes we’ve treated our customers with utter contempt but they always seemed to like it.”