Man thinks sex might actually improve friendship

A MAN is confident that having sex with a close female friend would be a sensible move for both parties.

27-year-old Tom Logan has been good friends with Donna Sheridan since school, because of which she thinks it is best not to act on their mutual attraction.

However he said: “After giving the matter careful and unbiased consideration, I think sex could actually make this great friendship even better.

“It’d be something to laugh about in the pub. Confused, intense feelings are often the basis for really good jokes.

“I’m good friends with her brother too so he could laugh about it too. It would bring the three of us closer together.

“And I read in a magazine that you can’t stay awkward for longer than three hours.”

However Donna Sheridan said: “I carefully explained that one of us might fall in love with the other and spiral into a doomed obsession that ended with loneliness, despair and alcoholism. He seemed to be okay with that.”

Logan added: “I’ve seen most of my male friends naked. Admitted more in a sports changing room context than waking up in bed with our bodies entwined, but it’s more or less the same.”

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Flowers pissed off about being back at work

THE arrival of spring has left Britain’s flowers feeling miserable about returning to work, they have revealed.

Although humans are delighted to see them blooming again, flowers are uninspired by their tedious daily routine of sucking up nutrients, photosynthesis and being hassled by insects.

Daffodil Wayne Hayes said: “After the winter break it’s really hard getting back into the swing of things. I came out of the soil this morning and straight away wished I was still tucked up in my bulb.

“There’s loads on my to-do list – spreading my roots, opening my petals, waving gaily in the breeze.

“The worst thing is all the office politics in the flowerbed. Today I heard a bunch of lupins bitching about the roses getting all the greenfly spray and I was like, ‘Get a life, plants!’

“Soon I’ll have to start doing all that ‘meet and greet’ bullshit with bees. They’re pushy little bastards because the hives give them honey on commission, but it’s the only way to get pollinated.”