Saturday, 7th December 2019

Man who quit masturbating for three days acting like he's Jesus

A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.

Julian Cook, 27, stopped pleasuring himself on Sunday and now regards himself as free from sin.

Cook said: “I do feel like a much better person. Certainly as good as Jesus. Possibly even as good as David Attenborough, though perhaps not as good as Gareth Southgate.

“I don't want a knighthood or a thank you letter from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

“I just want to help perverts who can't stop fiddling with themselves.”