Man with Royal Mail shares thinks he's Gordon Gekko

OFFICE worker Tom Booker reckons he’s real hot shit after potentially making £350 on Royal Mail shares.

Database administrator Booker, who now closely identifies himself with Michael Douglas’s Wall Street character Gordon Gekko, said: “I scented blood and I went for the kill.

“To the victor the spoils.”

First-time investor Booker arrived at work today sporting a pair of red braces purchased from Tie Rack.

He was later overheard by colleagues wondering how many ‘hookers’ and how much cocaine he could get with a sum in the region of £350.

Booker said: “Fuck all you chumps and losers, I am the lion, hear me roar!

“Now if you’ll excuse me, time is money. And money is power.”

However it emerged that Booker has yet to ‘cash in the chips’ from his high-stakes stock market deal.

He added: “Does anyone know how you actually sell these shares? I’ve looked on Google but I don’t want to do it wrong.

“I hope it’s not too complicated.”

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Most mums writing bondage sex book

THE majority of the UK’s mothers are writing a novel about sado-masochistic sex, it has emerged.

According to new figures, 78% of mums are working on a sexually explicit book with a three-word title.

Mother-of-three Mary Fisher said: “When I drop the kids off at school I usually chat with the other mums about how our dungeon-themed sex books are going.

“Sometimes it gets quite competitive, ‘My protagonist’s more dominant than your protagonist’, that sort of thing.

“Basically you’re nobody at the school gate unless at least three major publishers aren’t already locked in a bidding war for your erotica.

“Mine’s called Maze of Lust and it’s about a brooding, muscular architect who builds a network of sex tunnels beneath his aspirational Grand Designs-style house.”

43-year-old housewife Emma Bradford said: “My erotic book is Hose Me Down Volume 1: Flames of Desire. It’s about a brooding, muscular fireman with a sex dungeon inside his specially-converted fire engine.”

Bradford’s husband Martin said: “Sometimes I try to initiate sex but she’s like, ‘No, I’ve got to be up early to finish a spanking scene before breakfast’.”