UK to encourage illiteracy

THE UK is to be adapted to cater to its increasing number of non-literate citizens, the government has announced.

Due to the enormous cost of tackling illiteracy, ministers have decided it will be quicker and cheaper to replace all words with pictures.

A spokesman for the government’s anti-literacy campaign Don’t Be A Shy Quiet Book Nerd said: “It’s cheaper, no-one feels left out and children will ask less annoying questions about how dinosaurs’ names are pronounced.

“Our task is to eradicate the written word, for example by replacing shop signs with a picture of what they sell, so that every high street looks like a child’s playset.

“Books are the biggest problem, so we are making the ‘important’ ones accessible to illiterate readers.

“We’re currently turning Nineteen Eighty-Four into a 12-page, wipe-clean picture book illustrated by Eric Hill, creator of Spot the Dog.

“But really, who needs to study the classics when you can just watch Clash of the Titans?

“Admittedly some activities, such as preparing food, may still require non-pictorial instructions. Thus all ready-meal containers will come with an oven-proof audio chip that explains how to cook them in the voice of Fiona Bruce.

The spokesman added: “In some situations, illiteracy may place you at a serious disadvantage, such as applying for a job or being tried for murder.

“In this case we will provide a ‘designated reader’ who can read quite long words and even do sums.”

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Britney Spears espouses Marxist theory of labour as value

BRITNEY Spears has admitted her latest single Work Bitch is inspired by the writings of Karl Marx.

The star has based her latest hit on a lifetime’s study of the father of communism, and a strong desire to champion the cause of the proletariat.

She said: “I’ve always sung about the relationship between people and the economic systems which govern their lives, for example my exploration of the seductive power of capital in Gimme More.

“Work Bitch is a satire of commodity fetishism which underlines that the real owners of the means of production are the workers themselves.

“When I whip a woman wearing bondage gear in the video, it’s a metaphor.”