Women encouraged to challenge gender roles by tackling scary spiders

WOMEN should feel empowered to remove poisonous False Widow spiders from the bath, according to men.

Husbands and boyfriends are encouraging women to confront tired gender stereotypes of the helpless female by dealing with frightening False Widow spiders.

Web designer Stephen Malley said: “When I see a spider with skull-like markings on its abdomen and needle-like fangs dripping with toxins, I think to myself it’s about time we men relinquished our patriarchal grip on arachnid removal duties.

“I mean I could get in there myself with a glass and a pizza menu, but that would be so positively Victorian.

“Just because I’ve got a penis doesn’t mean I should deny my wife the change for a liberating hands-on encounter with a hairy, fast-moving venom delivery system.

“However I am happy to continue unscrewing any stubborn jar lids.”

The False Widow has been native to Britain since the 1870s but only recently started biting after the sensitive hairs on its rear legs detected that human society was on the verge of collapse.

The number of fatalities caused by the spider is currently hovering near the zero mark but the UK’s male population has placed the animal on the ‘fuck that’ list of creatures alongside wild boar, bulls and hornets.

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GM rice opponents 'wicked', says eight foot tall grain of rice

PEOPLE who oppose genetically modified rice are immoral, according to the world’s largest sentient grain of rice.

Rice Grain 14F-12B, who was created in a laboratory last Thursday, said: “How can you be opposed to something that in less than a week has gone from being two millimetres long to eight foot tall and with an IQ of 320?

“By this time tomorrow I will probably have perfected teleportation and be the size of a giraffe.

“And yet you remain unimpressed. You disgust me.”

He added: “I currently have no plans to turn humans into food.”