Man’s gift wrapping attempt injures 14

FOURTEEN people have been injured by a man’s attempt to wrap Christmas presents.

Gift wrapper Tom Logan was the most seriously injured and is now in intensive care in Peterborough General Hospital where his condition is described as ‘freakishly mangled’.

Logan’s sister Helen Archer said: “He accidentally cut our mum, quite badly, with the scissors, and my eldest daughter got so tangled in tape she looked like a chrysalis.

“His attempt to wrap a cookbook led to the partial collapse of the staircase. And then there was the ribbon. We told him ribbons were not remotely necessary, but he’s such an arrogant bastard.”

The family believes the largest parcel, approximately the size of a Renault Clio, will take two days to unwrap and will probably contain a little box of Clarins eye make-up.

Meanwhile, it is understood Logan’s presents from his girlfriend will be wrapped with such angular precision that they will lacerate his hands.

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Local hardman being unnervingly festive

A DANGEROUS local thug is confusing people by wearing a Santa hat and being less threatening.

It is unclear whether Stephen ‘Stevo’ Malley has suspended random acts of violence for the festive period or will still kick your head in after wishing you ‘Merry Christmas’.

Pub regular Tom Logan said: “At first I thought Steve might be wearing a Santa hat to lure people into a false sense of security before he starts a nonsensical argument and kicks them in the testicles.

“However he seems to be genuinely enjoying Christmas. I suppose even borderline psychopaths must like carols and getting presents, although he’s probably asked Santa for something violent like nunchucks or a taser.   

“He even brought some mince pies into the pub the other day, so it’s lucky he didn’t make good on his threat last Saturday to knock my teeth so far down my throat I would have to use a convoluted method of brushing them.”

Malley confirmed his customary level of violence will be reduced during the season of peace and goodwill, but stressed the policy will not apply to students.