Man’s greatest ambition is to have thicker arms

A 28-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he wants nothing more from life than to have thicker arms.

Sales co-ordinator Stephen Malley considers increasing his arm girth by lifting weights up and down to represent his ultimate goal on Earth.

He said: “I’m not really excited by the idea of inventing something, writing a book, rescuing people from a burning building or even just being a generally good person.

“My life is more about using a mixture of free weights and exercise machines to make my biceps and triceps bigger.

“Then when I look back on life as an old man, I can say that I achieved thick arms.

“I wore a tight t-shirt to show them off, and occasionally women asked to touch them.”

Personal trainer Norman Steele said: “While I agree that having big arms is a noble life goal, we still need to learn from the great philosophers.

“As Confucius wrote, ‘On the path to big arms, a man must not skip legs day’.”

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Luxury apartments demolished to make way for community hall

A VIBRANT luxury development in East London has been demolished to make space for a drop-in centre for locals of all ages.

The two-year-old ‘high-end’ apartments had been a feature of the area for as long as most local residents remember.

However, the local council overrode objections, insisting that they would have to be razed to the ground to give way for a hall where people can play dominoes, table tennis or gather around a piano to sing songs.

Joseph Turner, one of the residents who lost his design-led open plan living space, said: “We who lived there are the glue that binds East London. We give this area its vitality and sustain its characteristic boutique stores that sell cat pyjamas.

“This community hall idea is a backward step away from comfortable social isolation.

“Hopefully they will at least call it ‘Community’ and charge £8.50 for ironic cream teas. With £8.50 written on the menu as ‘8.5’.”