Mass zombie attack would seem boring and cliched

AN uprising by the ‘living dead’ would succeed because everyone is already so bored of that kind of thing, it has been claimed.

As zombie books, apps and postcards of Egg from This Life continue to flood shops, the Institute for Studies has warned that a real undead uprising would seem so tired and hackneyed that there would be little energy for retaliation.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If rotting corpses rose from their graves and started cannibalising us, instead of running to the hills most people would simply roll their eyes and mutter ‘God I’m sick of this shit, it stopped being fun in the 80s’.

“The fact that it was real zombies and not several hundred accountancy students covered in raspberry syrup would be irrelevant.

“It’s the sheer over-familiarity of shambling, arms-outstretched hordes that would make it impossible to care less, even as your still-beating heart was being torn from your body by something that used to be your neighbour.

“Probably your last thought would be, ‘can’t I at least die in a slightly more original manner?'”

Tom Logan, author of The Written-In-A-Week-Mostly-Pictures Zombie Outbreak Survivor Manual, said: “In the event of an undead attack, your first priority is ammunition… and… I can’t even be bothered to finish the sentence.

“Zombies aren’t real. You fucking idiots. And even if they were, my stupid book wouldn’t help you. I’m an advertising copywriter hoping to make a fast buck, not Chuck Norris.

“Actually, Chuck Norris… now there’s a good idea for a fast-turnaround humour book based on a pop culture trope that’s been done less than 200,000 times.”


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently overheard my teenage son’s friend referring to me as a MILF and I have to admit I’m rather flattered. Next time he comes over I was thinking of calling his bluff and pouncing on him when he’s alone. He might not be so cocky when he’s trapped between my thighs.


Dear Gina,
Have you ever wondered why people are always going on about MILFs but no-one ever refers to a DILF? That’s because when you become a dad, certain things happen to you to stop you being attractive to ladies, and make your children embarrassed to be seen anywhere near you. It must be an evolutionary thing to stop dads from having affairs or something. Whatever the reason, dads stop being cool and handsome and start doing cringeworthy stuff like blowing their noses really loudly in public and playing UB40 at full blast on the car stereo when they pick you up in town. Never let your dad anywhere near your friends because no doubt he’ll be sporting a wardrobe that your mum bought him entirely from the M&S Blue Harbour collection and try to engage them in conversation using rubbish facts he’s learned from watching QI.
When ladies are giving birth, I think the men are taken off to a ward somewhere and reprogrammed to enjoy the Archers and want to listen to Santana whilst dancing like a freak and go to shit country pubs in order to drink real ales with pointless, saucy names. That’s why there’s no such thing as a DILF.
Hope that helps!