Middle class parent launches pre-emptive complaint about son's GCSEs

A MIDDLE-CLASS mother has launched an appeal against the unfairness of her son’s GCSE grades, which have yet to be decided. 

Joanna Kramer is already furious about son Seth’s prejudiced and biased teachers refusing to award him the top grades he deserves and had paperwork lodged with the local authority before midnight yesterday. 

She said: “They should be giving themselves low grades as teachers for failing to bring out his full potential. That’s the real crime here. 

“I know they haven’t actually decided the grades yet, but I’m absolutely incensed by the possibility that they could be bad. I couldn’t sleep. He’s a non-traditional unorthodox learner. 

“What if he only gets an 7 in Spanish and doesn’t get into his first-choice college in Cambridge? Just because some stupid teacher was too sozzled on the inferior wine other parents give her to make the right prediction? 

“We moved area for this bloody school, costing us half an acre of garden and adding 45 minutes to Mark’s commute. If he doesn’t get top grades in every subject, I’ll sue.”

Teacher Susan Traherne said: “I’ve been a teacher for 20 years. I know full well what grades to give when a kid’s parents both drive Audis. Chill.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Man who doesn't want vaccine also doesn't want his dose given to immigrants

A MAN who says he will not be forced into being vaccinated is furious that his spare dose might be given to someone in a migrant centre.

Norman Steele, 62, has made a massive drama about not wanting the vaccine, and an even bigger fuss after discovering that the government was offering it to undocumented migrants.

Steele said: “I won’t be told what to do by anyone, especially not being injected with something my mate Barry on Facebook says is dodgy.

“But that doesn’t mean my dose can be given to an illegal immigrant. If I’m not using it I want it to be poured down the sink, preferably while I watch.”

Steele’s weary wife Susan said: “Norman says the vaccine contains a microchip that Bill Gates will use to track him, even though he only ever goes to Morrisons and back.

“This being the case, you’d think he’d be all for illegal immigrants being easy to find and ‘sent back to where they came from’ as he keeps saying.

“But then a lot of what Norman says is total bollocks. I just ignore him.”