DO you want to passive-aggressively annoy your neighbours without doing something obviously twatty like playing loud music? Here’s how to sneakily piss them off.
Hang up lots of wind chimes
The sound of a wind chime is either irritatingly twee or creepily sinister, depending on whether it’s day or night. Either way they’re shit, but if your neighbours complain they’ll look like the worst kind of petty killjoy, so they’ll just have to put up with them.
Get a noisy car
Having a nice car with a big engine isn’t a crime, but it’s deeply annoying if you turn it on at 6am and then sit on your drive for several minutes and maybe rev the engine for no reason. You’ll be hated even more if they’re eco-conscious types who ride bicycles everywhere.
Have a baby
Your neighbours will pretend they’re delighted about your cute little bundle of joy. They’re lying, of course, as they’ll have to put up with the various noisy stages of living next door to children, from nighttime crying to garden-based shrieking to teenage arguments.
Mess with bin day
If your neighbour relies on you to know when to put their bins out, you can really f**k with them by changing your timetable and putting the recycling out on the wrong day. Extra points for stealing their boxes and denying all knowledge.
Get a cat
It will be obvious if you train a dog to shit on their garden but cats are little poo ninjas. It’s unlikely they’ll ever be able to prove it was your feline friend crapping in their flower beds, especially if you pretend to get all defensive and insist Bootsie only uses a litter tray.