Wind chimes in the garden and other ways to really f**k off your neighbours

DO you want to passive-aggressively annoy your neighbours without doing something obviously twatty like playing loud music? Here’s how to sneakily piss them off.

Hang up lots of wind chimes

The sound of a wind chime is either irritatingly twee or creepily sinister, depending on whether it’s day or night. Either way they’re shit, but if your neighbours complain they’ll look like the worst kind of petty killjoy, so they’ll just have to put up with them.

Get a noisy car

Having a nice car with a big engine isn’t a crime, but it’s deeply annoying if you turn it on at 6am and then sit on your drive for several minutes and maybe rev the engine for no reason. You’ll be hated even more if they’re eco-conscious types who ride bicycles everywhere.

Have a baby

Your neighbours will pretend they’re delighted about your cute little bundle of joy. They’re lying, of course, as they’ll have to put up with the various noisy stages of living next door to children, from nighttime crying to garden-based shrieking to teenage arguments. 

Mess with bin day

If your neighbour relies on you to know when to put their bins out, you can really f**k with them by changing your timetable and putting the recycling out on the wrong day. Extra points for stealing their boxes and denying all knowledge.

Get a cat

It will be obvious if you train a dog to shit on their garden but cats are little poo ninjas. It’s unlikely they’ll ever be able to prove it was your feline friend crapping in their flower beds, especially if you pretend to get all defensive and insist Bootsie only uses a litter tray.

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How to cope with being in love with Lucy Worsley

ARE you hopelessly besotted with TV historian Lucy Worsley? It’s never going to work out, so here is a guide to coping and maybe one day moving on.

Blot out thoughts of Lucy

Be too busy to think about Ms Worsley. Work late every night (maybe till about 2am) or fill every spare moment obsessively doing weights. This is probably hugely psychologically damaging but it’s less dangerous than joining the French Foreign Legion. 

Focus on Lucy’s negative traits 

Love can blind us to another’s faults. However Lucy does not have any faults, so you’re going to have to work hard at this. Tell yourself she hasn’t done a definitive documentary series about the Battle of Stalingrad, so you’re probably not compatible.

Get a partner exactly like Lucy

Again, a challenge. You’re going to have to woo someone who looks like Lucy, studied history at Oxford, and has a successful TV career and a slight lisp. They’ll also have to tolerate you suggesting they do their hair like Lucy and walk you around National Trust properties explaining interesting historical facts. It’s a bit of an ask.

Become highly promiscuous

Try to get the love you crave by sleeping around, either with actual people or have a string of metaphorical one-night stands with other TV historians. There’s Ruth Goodman off Victorian Farm, Mary Beard, or, if you swing both ways and are into the Korean War, Max Hastings. 

Make a creepy Lucy doll 

There is nothing more healthy and normal than making a disturbing lifesize papier-mache effigy of someone who is unlikely to return your affections. With Lucy it helps if you’re well-versed in history though, because you’re going to have to carry the conversation a lot on date nights.