Monday, 19th April 2021

'I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome' and other great humblebrags

THE art of the self-deprecating show-off is a subtle one. Here’s how to become pro-level at inspiring envy while remaining humble: 

‘I don’t know where he gets it from’

A time-honoured way of taking credit for your wonderful prodigy of a child’s achievements while apparently doing the opposite. Not only shoves their accomplishments in everyone’s faces, it redirects the spotlight towards you. Your friends will despise you and your nauseating pushy kids equally.

‘Not looking forward to cleaning this!’ 

The perfect Instagram caption for when you move into the kind of oversized house your parents could never afford, accompanied by loads of fish-eye shots of the spotless beige decor. Also implies that you’ll be cleaning it yourself, when of course you won’t be because you’re too busy posting on Instagram.

‘You’ve all been so generous’ 

Everyone knows that one person that relentlessly pursues sponsorship to climb a mountain, swim the Channel or paddleboard around Tierra del Fuego for charity. Selflessly seeking to give others the props for it is the perfect way to remind them that they never wanted to essentially pay you to big yourself up and will resent it forever.

‘I’ve put on so much weight’ 

People who’ve put on loads of weight don’t say this, because they’re ashamed and hope nobody notices. The objective is to make others feel bad about themselves because you’re clearly the person with the lowest BMI they know. A line best delivered when piously turning food down.

‘I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome’

Everyone wants a threesome. People that claim they don’t are lying. Make sure you’re in a room with the kind of people that have never had the confidence for a three-way, then boast about your insecurities because your partners were both incredibly hot. Like, really hot. ASOS model hot.