'I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome' and other great humblebrags

THE art of the self-deprecating show-off is a subtle one. Here’s how to become pro-level at inspiring envy while remaining humble: 

‘I don’t know where he gets it from’

A time-honoured way of taking credit for your wonderful prodigy of a child’s achievements while apparently doing the opposite. Not only shoves their accomplishments in everyone’s faces, it redirects the spotlight towards you. Your friends will despise you and your nauseating pushy kids equally.

‘Not looking forward to cleaning this!’ 

The perfect Instagram caption for when you move into the kind of oversized house your parents could never afford, accompanied by loads of fish-eye shots of the spotless beige decor. Also implies that you’ll be cleaning it yourself, when of course you won’t be because you’re too busy posting on Instagram.

‘You’ve all been so generous’ 

Everyone knows that one person that relentlessly pursues sponsorship to climb a mountain, swim the Channel or paddleboard around Tierra del Fuego for charity. Selflessly seeking to give others the props for it is the perfect way to remind them that they never wanted to essentially pay you to big yourself up and will resent it forever.

‘I’ve put on so much weight’ 

People who’ve put on loads of weight don’t say this, because they’re ashamed and hope nobody notices. The objective is to make others feel bad about themselves because you’re clearly the person with the lowest BMI they know. A line best delivered when piously turning food down.

‘I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome’

Everyone wants a threesome. People that claim they don’t are lying. Make sure you’re in a room with the kind of people that have never had the confidence for a three-way, then boast about your insecurities because your partners were both incredibly hot. Like, really hot. ASOS model hot.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

How to be cancelled for being a celebrity dick: the Laurence Fox guide

CAREER flagging? Why not get yourself in the headlines by being cancelled, like I did? Try these ways: 

Flagrant hypocrisy

News presenter spending all day channelling righteous fury at anyone who ignores lockdown rules? Simply organise a party for yourself and ten friends, get caught, and you’re suspended from work for six months on full pay. Half a year’s holiday for being an arsehole? Nice one, Kay.

Say something vile on social media

Ideally Twitter: a hive of lefties scrolling all day, fingers twitching, in the mere hope of going viral for righteously calling someone out. The quick route? Simply compare something to Nazi Germany. Wearing masks in shops? Nazi Germany. Vaccine passports? Nazi Germany. Lost your cushy Star Wars job for comparing everything to Nazi Germany? Nazi Germany.

Double down

A week ago you were an undistinguished actor. Now you’re on GMTV, Newsnight, LBC and The One Show, you’ve gained 440,000 Instagram followers in a week, and the Daily Mail loves you. Time to consolidate your audience by going in hard on another vulnerable group in society. Has anyone suggested compulsory euthanasia yet?

Non-apologise

Your new fans love a fig-leaf of respectability to wave in everyone’s faces, so perform the traditional non-apology after getting three front pages for your over-80s extermination idea. “I’m sorry people took offence,” you announce, “and I was only trying to free society from its Covid shackles. Also, war veterans are exempt from my suicide booths so I really don’t see what I did wrong.”

Choose your path

You’ve got two routes out from your newfound notoriety: either the learning journey, where you sincerely regret your actions and get to front a BBC3 documentary about them, or carry on making vile remarks on social media to shock your increasingly jaded audience until you’re banned. I’m going the latter route obvs, but either way, what a ride.