Middle Class To Sell Their Children

CHILDREN across Britain are being spruced up and placed on the open market today as millions of middle class parents look to cut their losses.

As the government abolished child benefit for people on more than £44,000 a year, economists said middle class youngsters would no longer generate an acceptable yield for all but the most cautious of investors.

Julian Cook, of Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Fifteen years ago a decent British child was delivering four to four and a half per cent a year. But inflation has steadily eaten away at it and now this move by the government has turned them into the sentient mammal version of junk bonds.

“If you have a tall or sturdy child then you have a good chance of attracting a Russian buyer. They’re cash rich and always need new sparring partners for their goons.”

He added: “I’ll be liquidising my three teenagers and transferring about 45% into zinc, 25% into Chinese tobacco and I’ll spend whatever’s left on a new crossbow.”

Emma Bradford, mother of 14 year-old Duncan, said: “He is a delightful boy. Indeed, there have been several occasions when he has come tantalisingly close to making me happy.

“We’ve set an asking price of £17,500 which may seem a little high but he has a fine set of balls and he oozes old world charm. We’ll take £10,500 and a decent second hand horse box.”

Tom Logan, an estate agent from from Hatfield, is selling 12 year-old Abigail Hobbs on a freehold.

“She’s a happy go lucky little girl and she comes with her own trombone. She’d make an excellent weekend daughter for a pair of busy professionals or a full time grand-daughter for a retired couple who want to have another crack at it.

“I reckon you could do up her teeth for less than six grand.”




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Fit An Energy Meter, Says Freddy Krueger

child murderer Freddy Krueger has asked householders to consider the
environment or he may have to tear out their spleens, it emerged last

iron-gloved loner, who exists in a semi-corporeal state since being
burned to death by a mob of bereaved parents, is working in
conjunction with leading environmental charities and will enter the
nation’s dreams to personally deliver an eco-conscious message to each
and every UK citizen above the age of puberty.

said: “Fitting
an energy meter has really helped me to monitor my carbon footprint.
It’s amazing what a difference things like low-wattage lightbulbs

I’m constantly thinking of creative new ways to reduce my
consumption, for example by throwing corpses into the furnace instead
of leaving them to rot.

found the average teen contains enough energy for four hot baths.”

continued: “In the past I’ve kept the ominous furnace in my dark,
industrial lair burning pretty much round the clock. Really, that was
just for effect and completely wasteful.â€

went on to describe his newly-adopted ‘make do and mend’ approach: “For example, I wanted to make myself a next glove, with serrated
finger blades instead of straight, and a hypodermic full of
skin-melting poison on the thumb. But making a bespoke wearable
weapon is a very energy-intensive process.

asked myself, ‘can I make do with what I’ve got?’ The answer was yes,
the existing glove is more than adequate and not even starting to



concluded: “It’s up to you to make a change. If you don’t I will
get in your head while you’re asleep, cut your face off and then
staple it back on, upside down.

how passionate I am about this.”