Earth-Like Planet Actually Sunderland-Like Planet

HOPES of intelligent life on planet Gliese 581g were dashed yesterday as
scientists revealed it is actually a bit like Sunderland.

Images from the Keck telescope clearly show deep grooves carved into the planet’s crust by aliens dragging their knuckles back and forth, waiting for a human bouncer to punch.

The images were enhanced as the surface is usually covered in a thick, noxious gas believed to be caused by the planet’s vast natural Vaux breweries.

Astronomer Roy Hobbs said: “It has four times the gravity of Earth, so its lifeforms are squat, sedentary creatures that hate to move very far from where they’re born.

“They also have trouble mating, socialising or realising anywhere other than their immediate surroundings exist.

“Yet despite these setbacks they have independently come to the conclusion that Alan Shearer is a twat.

“This confirms the theory of convergent evolution. Any species we encounter in the future will agree that he’s a tedious bastard who is probably still going on and on and on about goal-line technology.”

NASA are planning a manned probe to Gliese but warn that the mission could take many years as the astronauts will first have to learn the Mackem accent to avoid having their heads immediately kicked in.

Hobbs added: “I imagine the moment of first contact with the alien race will be a lot like the ending of Close Encounters if it had been set during a stag weekend in South Shields.”

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Only Camp 1970s Gays Should Be Allowed On TV, Says Your Dad

ABSURDLY camp 1970s-style homosexuals like John Inman and Frankie Howerd are the only ones of that sort who should be on television, your dad announced last night.

In his latest post-teatime statement on the role of homosexuals in the media – usually prompted by the appearance of John Barrowman – your dad declared that although he doesn’t approve of all the poofs these days, Are You Being Served? was bloody funny.

He said: “I don’t like that John Barrowman, he shouldn’t really be on when kids can see it, because they’ll think it’s normal to be like that.

“And I don’t like the two that do up houses, thingy and whatsisname. They’ve probably got those little dogs and do ‘yoga’.”

He added, with no awareness whatsoever: “I’ve got nothing against gays, I just don’t want them ramming it down my throat.”

Meanwhile in what analysts said was an immediate and total contradiction, he then launched into a short monologue about the genius of John Inman, Frankie Howerd and Kenneth Williams.

He said: “That Kenneth Williams was bloody brilliant in those Carry On films, when he did that face and said ‘ooh, matron’.”

For clarification, your dad added: “He was a poof, you know.”

Appearing to soften his stance momentarily, he continued in a whimsical tone: “Some of them are clever, though.”

Your dad concluded his statement by returning to his oft-repeated thesis that gays are taking over everything these days, and also that they are making a much bigger song and dance about it all than they used to, with these parades and everything where they wear trousers with the arse cut out and prance around in front of everyone, causing traffic problems.

He added: “That Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen isn’t actually one of them, although he acts like it and you’d think it to look at him.”

“Nor is Jeff Banks. Or Stephen Fry.”