HOPES of intelligent life on planet Gliese 581g were dashed yesterday as
scientists revealed it is actually a bit like Sunderland.
Images from the Keck telescope clearly show deep grooves carved into the planet’s crust by aliens dragging their knuckles back and forth, waiting for a human bouncer to punch.
The images were enhanced as the surface is usually covered in a thick, noxious gas believed to be caused by the planet’s vast natural Vaux breweries.
Astronomer Roy Hobbs said: “It has four times the gravity of Earth, so its lifeforms are squat, sedentary creatures that hate to move very far from where they’re born.
“They also have trouble mating, socialising or realising anywhere other than their immediate surroundings exist.
“Yet despite these setbacks they have independently come to the conclusion that Alan Shearer is a twat.
“This confirms the theory of convergent evolution. Any species we encounter in the future will agree that he’s a tedious bastard who is probably still going on and on and on about goal-line technology.”
NASA are planning a manned probe to Gliese but warn that the mission could take many years as the astronauts will first have to learn the Mackem accent to avoid having their heads immediately kicked in.
Hobbs added: “I imagine the moment of first contact with the alien race will be a lot like the ending of Close Encounters if it had been set during a stag weekend in South Shields.”