Everton To Employ Chelsea Security Guards

CHELSEA stewards have joined Everton on a loan deal so that suffering fans can be tossed quickly out of the ground when it all gets too awful.

The Chelsea simians, specially trained in state of the art ejection techniques, will spend the rest of the season at Goodison Park. The weekly tossing is expected to begin shortly after the telltale sign of Tim Howard picking the ball out of his net again.

Meanwhile sound monitors will also be placed around the stadium to pick up the high-pitched whining indicative of somebody from Liverpool in distress.

Evertonian, Wayne Hayes, said: “It’s nice to know that as I watch Bolton’s sixth sailing goalward, the next thing I’ll experience is the sweet oblivion of being brained by a set of turnstiles.

“And if the lads could sign something to say I slipped on some dodgy paving while they’re at it, I could bung a claim in and everyone’s a winner. Except for Everton, obviously.”

Chairman Bill Kenwright stressed the new initiative was all part of the modernisation of the club which started in 1994 with their acknowledgement that black footballers exist and continues to this day with their advice to fans that they stop shouting horribly racist things at them.

Kenwright said: “Watching the side shuffle aimlessly around the pitch while David Moyes seethes on the touchline like a Lidl version of Alex Ferguson is bound to make you want to be hoofed out.

“Although you are being hoofed out into the city of Liverpool which leads to a whole frying pan/fire kind of thing.”


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Tour De France Bans Terry-Thomas

TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.

Officials say champion Alberto Contador tested positive for a banned substance, probably the result of his food being spiked by a dastardly cheat who hoped to then go and win the race himself.

Fingers were soon pointed at Thomas, the gap-toothed, upper class bounder, long recognised as one of England’s leading cads.

A spokesman said: “We zink Thomas would have invited Monsieur Contador to dinner before spiking his own meal with ze drugs and zen pulling ze old ‘switcheroo’.”

Contador won the race despite a series of setbacks, including signs pointing the wrong way, sleeping pills being crushed into his champagne and having to cycle over hundreds of drawing pins that had been ejected from a secret hatch in the back of Thomas’s car.

But Thomas insisted: “The very thought that I, an English gentleman, would dream of having dinner with some ghastly dago. It is the most unspeakable slander.

“I shouldn’t be at all surprised if ‘Senior Contadores’ had been interfered with by that chubby German fellow who was also in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

He added: “With your permission I should like to instruct my man, Perkins, to give him a bloody good thrashing.”

The food spiking controversy comes amid renewed calls for cycling to be phased out of the Tour de France as it is now easily the least interesting thing about it.

Thomas is the first cad to be expelled from the Tour since 2001 when Dick Dastardly and his canine assistant were thrown out for a trying to send Lance Armstrong over a cliff.

The Texan eventually won the race with the help of some midget gangsters.