Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there’s X Factor, eh?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just thinking ahead to next week – if I told you to smash your balls between two house bricks, would you do it?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching The Truman Show, a frisson of dread courses through your veins as you put yourself in Jim Carrey’s position and imagine a national audience bored and sickened by your endless cycle of alcohol and masturbation.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As your new flatmate unpacks their ukelele, Belle & Sebastian CDs and collection of charity shop cardigans, you make the very sensible decision to blow your own brains out.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round. But you have absolutely bastarded my couch.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! Also, can I borrow twenty quid ’til pay day?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Buy yourself something nice this week. You’ve earned it. Oh, you haven’t? What the hell, buy it anyway – it’s not as if there’s some God who’s judging you and everybody else is just an arsehole.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Piss-faced Swedish bitch.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A party game of truth or dare goes awry after you confess to your girlfriend that you once sent a Valentine’s card to your maths teacher and she confesses that she appears in an internet film featuring another girl and a cup.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Conversation round the dinner table could be difficult this Christmas, especially after your little brother finishes telling the family what it’s like being leader of the Labour Party. Maybe they’d be interested in your new cordless strimmer?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try setting a moral precedent by getting drunk and asking a pregnant woman on the bus to give up her seat on the basis that your self-inflicted condition also plays havoc with your bladder and makes standing up difficult?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It is generally accepted that the prevailing male hegemony still pervades the culture and politics of modern Britain. Now how’s about giving it a fucking rest for five minutes? There’s a good girl.