Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there’s X Factor, eh?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just thinking ahead to next week – if I told you to smash your balls between two house bricks, would you do it?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching The Truman Show, a frisson of dread courses through your veins as you put yourself in Jim Carrey’s position and imagine a national audience bored and sickened by your endless cycle of alcohol and masturbation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As your new flatmate unpacks their ukelele, Belle & Sebastian CDs and collection of charity shop cardigans, you make the very sensible decision to blow your own brains out.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round. But you have absolutely bastarded my couch.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! Also, can I borrow twenty quid ’til pay day?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Buy yourself something nice this week. You’ve earned it. Oh, you haven’t? What the hell, buy it anyway – it’s not as if there’s some God who’s judging you and everybody else is just an arsehole.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Piss-faced Swedish bitch.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A party game of truth or dare goes awry after you confess to your girlfriend that you once sent a Valentine’s card to your maths teacher and she confesses that she appears in an internet film featuring another girl and a cup.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Conversation round the dinner table could be difficult this Christmas, especially after your little brother finishes telling the family what it’s like being leader of the Labour Party. Maybe they’d be interested in your new cordless strimmer?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try setting a moral precedent by getting drunk and asking a pregnant woman on the bus to give up her seat on the basis that your self-inflicted condition also plays havoc with your bladder and makes standing up difficult?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It is generally accepted that the prevailing male hegemony still pervades the culture and politics of modern Britain. Now how’s about giving it a fucking rest for five minutes? There’s a good girl.

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been going out with a lovely man for a few months, and it feels
like it could be the start of something beautiful. The only problem is
that no-one in my family seems to like him – in fact they regularly tell
me he’s bad news and that I should get rid of him as soon as possible.
It could have something to do with the fact that he is a member of the
BNP and has a swastika tattooed on his forehead, but if they just gave him a chance they might end up actually liking him. What can I do to get these narrow-minded relatives of mine to loosen up?
Heil Hitler,

Dear Imelda,
I know exactly how you feel – some people are so judgmental. I used to have a friend called Cindy Spigot, who was two years above me at school but who lived next-door-but-one to us so she didn’t mind talking to me. Cindy was loads of fun, and instead of wanting to play house or do a teddy-bear fashion show like all of my other friends, she wanted hang about outside the pub and speak to old men, put dried dog poo into people’s milk bottles or set fire to old ladies’ garden fences. Sometimes me and Frances Hall would have to watch out while she went down a back alley to talk secretly to a man, and then they’d come back with all their clothes on inside out. I asked my mummy about why Cindy liked to hang about down alleys, and she got all cross and said I wasn’t allowed to play with Cindy, probably because my mum is racist or sexist or something. Cindy isn’t at school any longer because she’s having a baby in a young offender’s centre, but maybe when she gets out, if I ask really nicely, my mum will let her come round for tea.
Hope that helps!