Defence Cuts Will Lead To Massive Wasp Attack, Warns Fox

DEFENCE secretary Liam Fox has warned that cuts to Britain’s defence budget will leave the country open to attack from massive foreign wasps that do not share our values.

In a letter to the prime minister Dr Fox said the security services were discovering wasp sleeper cells all the time and that he had heard tell of a new super-wasp that could bring down a helicopter.

He added: “Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. What’s that noise? It’s a bloody great wasp and it’s in your living room.

“Grave consequences I tell thee. Graaaaave! Look there’s another one. Jesus Christ, it’s huge. Run for your very lives!”

But defence industry bullshit analysts said Dr Fox was just the latest in a long line of weedy little pricks who wanted to point expensive guns at brown people in a desperate bid for self-respect.

Julian Cook, from Reading University, said: “Never trust a politician who announces that we have to ‘live in the real world’ and then goes back to a large, mahogany office where he sends teenagers to fight psychopaths deep in the arse-end of Wherethefuckistan.”

Dr Cook stressed the best way for Britain to protect itself from terrorism  was not spending hundreds of millions of pounds so some Cambridge graduates can pretend they’re in an episode of Spooks, it was refusing to take sides in pointless, intractable arguments between bastard lunatics in the first place.

“If we must have a defence budget then all we really need is one satellite and one aircraft carrier based permanently in the Indian Ocean so that every time someone in Afghanistan or Pakistan picks up anything larger than a fish knife we send in a very fast plane flown by a cheerful and enthusiastic young man with scant regard for the sanctity of human life and who thinks he’s inside an X-Box.

“Or we could just leave it to the Americans given that they seem to love it and don’t care whether we turn up or not.”

He added: “And I suppose we should also have a couple of big helicopters so that Prince William can drop bags of sweetcorn on Africans whose countries his ancestors spent the best part of 200 years fucking the absolute shit out of.”

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Religious belief linked to being a bit dim

PEOPLE who describe themselves as religious may also be a bit thick, according to new research.

As a study found that atheists know more about religion than religious people, experts said that in all fairness that should not really count as news and it was actually rather cruel to ask them complicated questions of that nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Are you religious because you’re stupid or does being religious make you stupid?

“It’s the classic chicken and egg scenario.

“For any religious people who may be reading this, a chicken is a domesticated bird, roughly the size of a football while an egg is the small, beige oval thing that comes out of it and then goes into your tummy – probably in the form of mayonnaise.”