Millions of Britons living on less money than they would ideally prefer

A RECORD number of UK families cannot afford to buy absolutely everything they want, it has emerged. 

Inflation, low wages, house prices and the sheer number of streaming services means 85 per cent of households lack the financial resources to buy even the most basic unnecessary items.

Tom Logan, a company director whose business has been vaguely hit by Brexit, recently had to cancel the purchase of a velvet ‘Tokyo’ style corner sofa with matching cushions.

He said: “The hardest thing has been explaining it to the children. They keep asking when the new sofa’s coming and when they can smash the old one up in the garden for fun.

“I just say soon, really soon, and ruffle their hair as they gaze up at me, their big, brown eyes full of hope as in front of the old, tired suite we’ve had since 2022. My heart breaking.”

Sources at John Lewis said the sofa is fully customisable and comes in Aquaclean Harriet Red with a choice of leg finishes.

Logan’s wife Anne said: “Times being what they are, once we’ve paid for food, bills, mortgage, car leasing, Sky, Sky Sports, Sky Movies, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus, Apple TV, the Peleton, gym membership, two foreign holidays a year and a couple of citybreaks, there’s hardly anything left.”

Meanwhile mother-of-two Nikki Hollis saw a top in Whistles that would go perfectly with the blue skirt that she likes, but at £280 fears even if she does buy it she will feel guilty.

She said: “I’d like to ask the government why I haven’t got more money. Jeremy Hunt could lend it to me, either at a reasonable rate of interest or just as a favour, to be nice.”

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Man divides his age by two, adds seven, ignores result

A MAN debating whether to date a younger woman has done the necessary calculations then asked her out anyway.

Having realised that his 24-year-old colleague Kelly Howard might be a bit too young for him, 40-year-old Tom Booker ran the precautionary numbers before pausing and mentally binning their findings.

He said: “F**k it, it’s not a proper mathematical equation like Pythagoras’ theorem. It’s more of an advisory thing that everyone ignores, like best-before dates.

“I probably forgot to carry a one somewhere or did the addition at the wrong point in the calculation. Is it supposed to be before or after division? No one remembers how to do complex sums like that after secondary school, not even Kelly who was there relatively recently.

“The heart wants what it wants. Which in my case is a woman in her physical prime. Why should something as trifling as societal expectations stand in my way? I’m not doing anything wrong, legally. I checked.

“If it were the other way round then everyone would be praising her for being a cougar who snagged a toy boy. It’s a flimsy defence, I admit, but I’ve got to get ahead of other people and the nagging voice in my head which is already calling me a creep.”

Howard said: “I don’t care about Tom’s age. Height and salary are the numbers that really matter.”