Most seaside donkeys on smack

BRITAIN’S beach donkeys are increasingly addicted to heroin, it has emerged.

A new report on the decline of seaside towns highlighted spiralling hard drug use, especially among the donkeys whose job it is to carry overweight children up and down the beach.

Donkey Tom Booker said: “Heroin is the only thing that makes my life tolerable.

“You can make decent money hauling kids, and you need something to cushion the psychological effects of standing hoof-deep in sewage all day.

“Sugar cubes just don’t cut it.

“After smoking some brown the lapping of the sea on the shore becomes strangely soporific, and you don’t notice the litter.

“But you can’t overdo it or your ears droop which makes you look ill.”

Booker lives in a ‘smack stable’ near the sea with eight other heroin-addicted donkeys and a homeless man who used to be in the army.

He said: “There are needles and dung everywhere. Everyone’s always biting each other for no reason.

“I’ve worked beaches from Weston to Great Yarmouth and most of the donkeys are on gear.

“I got busted for possession last week but the police had to let me go because I was too big to fit in the car.”

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Spain and Britain both believe Gibraltar monkeys have magic powers

SPAIN and Britain are arguing over Gibraltar because they believe the territory’s Barbary macaques are powerful wizards.

Intelligence sources said both countries are prepared to go to war over the monkeys and then use the special magic to solve a range of social and economic problems.

A senior source said: “Gibraltar is not just a largely pointless lump of rock where you can buy cheap fags and look at Africa. There is a very good – and magical – reason to take an intense interest in its sovereignty.

“I just wish Spain and Britain could put aside their differences, join forces and use the monkey magic to solve all the problems of the world.”

The source added: “I’ve heard that if you sneak the monkeys into the cinema under your coat they’ll give you a potion that makes your hair grow back.”