Mum refuses to tag herself when out for fear of being burgled

MUM Mary Fisher never admits to being out of the house on social media in case she gets burgled.

56-year-old Fisher even went so far as to post status updates pretending to be in her living room while actually on holiday in America.

She wrote: ““What a great episode of EastEnders we just watched at home.”

However the effect was undermined by the message appearing at 1.40am due to the time difference.

Fisher’s daughter Emma added: “We were both at my friend’s baby shower last weekend and at one point I checked Facebook and saw she’d posted that she was enjoying a lovely sit in her garden with a good book.

“I thought she must have left but then I looked across the room and saw her struggling to eat a piece of cake and drink a gin and tonic at the same time.”

Burglar Tom Booker said: “She’s a wily one. But she’ll slip up one day and then that old telly of hers will be mine.”

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Microsoft expands empire of pointless annoyance

SOFTWARE irritant Microsoft has added to its portfolio of woe with the purchase of LinkedIn.

The baffling $26bn purchase sees the company take on Adobe and Apple as the main reason people shout at screens.

A Microsoft spokesman said: “The dream is that somebody sees they have eight new emails in Outlook, which they have to update, before seeing they’re from LinkedIn, which they’re not even signed up to.

“We’re also going to bring back the talking paperclip so he can ask whether you want to join his network every time you open Word.

“When I visualise it, it’s like a million tiny points of light popping up around the globe as people’s heads glow orange with rage. It’s quite beautiful.”

Many were surprised with Microsoft’s $26 billion valuation of LinkedIn, considering nobody knows what the company actually does.

The sale makes it one and a half times as valuable as Cadbury, despite the fact everyone has had Dairy Milk loads of times.