Mum treated to horrible breakfast, shit card and cleaning up the kitchen

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has awoken to the relaxing sound of her children being shouted at to make Mother’s Day cards while buggering up her breakfast. 

Joanna Kramer surfaced from unconsciousness to the sound of her husband bollocking her six-year-old son for refusing to make a card, then turning around to bollock her eight-year-old daughter for dropping an egg on the floor.

Husband Simon was overheard saying: “Alright then draw Pokemon on the card if that’s the only way to get you to do it, just hurry the f– Just hurry up. This is a surprise for Mummy!

“Jesus Christ, I said not to touch the eggs. I said wait for me. Okay, give me the eggs. I’m not shouting at you, just give me the eggs. GIVE ME THE BLOODY EGGS!

“Stop crying. Come on, this is meant to be nice. You can carry the tray if you promise to be careful with it. Running with it is not being careful with it.”

The family then burst in through the bedroom door shouting: “Surprise!”

Joanna said: “How lovely. You know what would be a real treat for Mummy? If you’d let me f**king rest.”

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Woman spends evening amending Tesco order 230 times

A WOMAN has wasted an entire evening of her life amending her Tesco delivery. 

Emma Bradford added and removed more than 700 items right up until the midnight cut-off, when she spent another 20 minutes looking at things she wished she had bought.

Bradford said: “It’s amazing how many things I realise I need the night before a grocery delivery. Every five minutes I’m scrolling through those invisible aisles like my life depends on it.

“I do tend to buy things I already have multiples of, because I can’t be arsed to drag myself into the kitchen to check, but it’s better to be safe than sorry and have 19 cans of tuna to hand instead of none.

“It’s worse if I’m hungry, because I’ll stick everything in the trolley then get to the checkout to find I’ve ordered 11 multipack bags of Skips like a teenaged stoner.

“Or when I’m pissed and decide Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts are one of my five-a-day.”