RUPERT Murdoch will tell the Commons Culture Committee later today that he could kill them all by merely wishing it into being.
The Media Magnate Who Must Not Be Named has agreed to answer MPs questions from atop his 800-foot anthracite Tower Of Eternal Sorrow before listing what colour toothbrush each of the committee members uses to remind them that he sees all.
Committee chairman John Whittingdale said “I looked in my diary this morning and there was a note in Mr Murdoch’s handwriting advising me to drive carefully to work. When I got to my car he was lying on the back seat like a desiccated version of the polar bear from the Bird’s Eye adverts, asking when I’d last had the brakes checked.
“‘Absolutely fucking shitscared’ barely even begins to cover how I’m feeling right now. It’s like if the council of Elrond in Lord Of The Rings had been convened in the middle of Mordor with half a dozen Balrogs and a 100-foot flaming eye in attendance.”
Whittingdale did not confirm what questions Murdoch will be asked, but it’s predicted that they will include whether he knew about the extent of illegal activities at NOTW, what bearing he feels this has on his BSkyB merger bid and the whereabouts of the Whittingdale family’s Labrador.
The scope of the committee’s powers is not yet entirely clear, but they’re expected to exert their full force against News International and Murdoch, which will cause him to laugh derisively before dismissively waving his hand and turning them into crumbling heaps of ash.
Murdoch said “As an American citizen and, more importantly, as the most terrifyingly powerful being you will ever encounter, I’m not obliged to attend the hearing.
“But it will offer me some passing amusement to hear them question my will before I command Rebekah to release her horde of rabid flying monkeys and I walk calmly away from the ensuing bloodbath, flanked by beautiful women.”