Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the Dragon’s Den about your asparagus-flavoured baby milk that lets you know when your baby’s pissed its nappy.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Disappointment this week after the 4,000th phone-hacking-subject list is published and despite their increasingly-tangential attitude to news, you weren’t on it. Your local lollipop lady? Yes. You? No.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Ever wanted a razor that not only leaves your face feeling silky smooth, it moisturises while you shave? What are you, some kind of fucking pansy?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week it’s the kind of weather that attracts flying ants or, given your laissez-faire attitude toward drug consumption, flying mongeese.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, you can’t wait to watch the new Harry Potter film and see the bit where Voldemort gets killed by his own curse. What? Oh grow up, for fuck’s sake.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yes, that was meant to sound sarcastic.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s a magical moment when you see the look on their little faces as you tell them they’re going to Disneyland this summer, but it’s nothing compared to the look on her face when you also mention that you’ll be staying at home so you can play PS3 and get shitfaced.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The anticipation is killing you at work as that sheet of paper containing the photo of your genitals must surely be approaching the top of the photocopier’s pile by now.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You cement your reputation as the most boring person your friends know this week when a waiter asks what you what in your omelette and you reply scrambled egg.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
St Francis Xavier asks ‘give me the boy of seven’ and he’s quoted for the next 500 years. But apparently you’re not allowed to live within 100 yards of a primary school anymore. Where’s the justice?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Difficulty at your hypnotherapy session to quit smoking as the instruction to count slowly to ten stumps you at the ‘three’ mark.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
For you, ‘the Lynx effect’ is less about its romantic influence on women as much as the fuzzy feeling you get when you’re inhaling it behind the local library. High as a kite and smelling of ‘exhilarating citrus’ – what a Friday night out.

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Private investigation 'could be permanently tarnished'

PRIVATE investigators fear that the respectability of their profession may never fully recover following the News International scandal, it has emerged.

Reports of underhand, legally dubious behaviour among its members has prompted a statement from the Esteemed Guild of Freelance Investigators, which was established in 1574 to ensure the prevalence of fair play and honour among the private investigation community.

Guild president Tommy ‘Chub’ Logan, also known as Dan Checker and Morton Appleby, said: “We are forced to defend our venerable profession following a few poor decisions by a tiny minority of our fellows.

“For over four hundred years we have provided a valuable social service by fighting crime. Most especially very complicated crimes involving the beautiful troubled daughters of powerful men, missing gems with quasi-mystical properties and dark family secrets that need to be kept quiet at all costs.

“Often there’s not even any money in it. Maybe just some sex.

“Despite this, last year we donated over £4 million in unmarked notes to children’s hospitals.”

The guild has announced a series of ‘private detection family fun days’ aimed at improving public perception.

Tommy ‘Chub’ Logan, whose aliases also include Wallis Fig and Emma Bradford, explained: “There’s going to be something for everyone – ‘skip rustling’, which involves getting in skips looking for discarded personal information, ‘wheelie bin rustling’ which is broadly similar but in wheelie bins, and introductory phone tapping for the kids.

“Plus everyone gets a free cigarette with the filter cut off.”

Private investigator Stephen Malley, who runs his unnamed business from a room in a semi-derelict tenement building, said: “I worked for years doing ‘things’ to get where I am today. It’s great being able to help people.

“Especially if those people are corrupt media barons or dames with killer curves and eyes the colour of smoke.”