Nastiest men on Tinder identifiable by use of phrase ‘nice guy’

THE worst men on Tinder can be easily identified with the use of a simple two word phrase in their profile, sociologists have revealed.

An extensive analysis of the dating app found that the nastiest male users were helpfully marking themselves out to potential matches by claiming to be “nice guys”.

Researcher Dr Julianne Cook explained: “It’s an immediate red flag. If you see the phrase ‘just a nice guy’, ‘one of the good guys’ or any variant thereof, he is a monster and you should swipe left immediately.

“Our studies found that conversations with these men tend to deteriorate quickly, going from calling a woman ‘princess’ or ‘so beautiful’ to ‘a fucking bitch’ and bombarding her with unsolicited dick pics within 12 hours.”

Advice for male Tinderers includes avoiding women who only have pouty selfies as profile pictures, as this is a sign they have driven all their friends and family away with self-obsessed behaviour.

Potential dates, both male and female, who say they “love to laugh” are statistically likely to be the most tedious people you will ever meet.

Meanwhile those “looking for a partner in crime” are unlikely to have done anything more rebellious than getting a henna tattoo on an all-inclusive holiday.

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Delighted Philip tells public to ‘f**k off out of it’ one last time

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time. 

The 96-year-old’s final engagement concluded outside the palace, after which the Queen’s consort glanced around at the assembled crowds and prepared to unleash his obscene finale.

Philip shuffled through the palace gates, locking them behind him and adding a new chain and lock purchased at his own expense from a nearby hardware store, before adding: “I don’t know what you think you’re all looking at.”

He then made a shooing motion and said “Go on, fuck off out of it, the lot of you” which sent cheers echoing down the Mall as gentlemen threw their bowler hats in the air and ladies waved their lace handkerchiefs.

The band of the Grenadier Guards then played a specially commissioned piece entitled I Hate Every Last Fucking One of You.

A Palace spokesman said: “The Duke of Edinburgh has retired from public life and requests Britain to leave him alone, especially those cheeky little bastards who keep kicking their ball against the wall and calling him a ‘nonce’.

“He hopes to now finally do something worthwhile.”