RESEARCHERS have found that rather than go to all the trouble of explaining to some other dick how to do it you might as well do it your fucking self.
The annual research project, which has returned the same results since it was begun in 1968, discovered that whatever the size and complexity of the task it would be more easily completed by fucking muggins here.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Whether making the tea or running the Large Hadron Collider, every job could theoretically be done by a third party.
“But are any of them? No. Does anybody else properly know how? Also no. So who ends up actually doing it? You do, every single fucking time.
“Yes, you could explain it, then explain it again, then answer questions about every little thing you forgot, or you could just tell whatever monkey you’re trying to train up to bugger off and just get it done.
“Why do you think I’m out here, not our press spokesman? It’s just easier.”
Norman Steele, from Donacaster, said: “No, you put the screws – no, not that end, the other end – no, don’t drag it on the floor.
“Oh just leave it. Just. Fucking. Leave it.”