Nation heroically fights down more beer to cut deficit

THOUSANDS of heroic Britons are selflessly downing extra pints of beer in the name of fiscal solvency.

Across the country, brave drinkers have been doing their part to make up for the £6.5bn deficit caused each year by deviant teetotallers.

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: “I don’t like the term ‘hero’. It gets to me when people call me that.

“I’m just a normal man doing his bit for his country by knocking back six pints and a couple of chasers on a Thursday evening.

“Of course it’s not easy, but when I get home I want to be able to look my family in the eyes, or where I think their eyes are, and know that I’ve played my part.”

He added: “I don’t how these teetotallers can live with themselves. They’re filthy traitors and they should all be put in jail.”

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‘Wenger’ becomes a verb

TO go out shopping and return home empty handed is now described as to ‘Wenger’.

The Oxford English Dictionary said ‘Wengering’ is a tendency found in stubborn, parsimonious middle aged men who cannot handle the concept of inflation.

Examples of ‘Wengering’ include: “I went to Marks And Spencer under orders to buy some new socks. But they didn’t have any like the last ones I bought in 1976, so I Wengered, came home and asked my wife to darn old my old pairs instead.”

Or there is: “My toilet had sprung a leak but the plumber I called was charging £50 an hour. So I Wengered – I had my son try to fix it instead, as part of my youth policy. The toilet flooded the bathroom but the important thing is, I stuck to my philosophy.”

Or alternatively: “I am a multi-millionaire whose children desperately need new bikes for Christmas. But I went to Halfords only to Wenger when I saw the prices.

“Imagine the faces of my children when they open their presents on Christmas day, to find their old bikes patched up with sellotape. I will explain to them that now they are mended they are the same as new bikes.

“In any case, they will be more than adequate for the brief trip we are making to Europe this year.”