New exam system cannot possibly fail

A NEW exam system is destined for greatness after both Nick Clegg and Michael Gove agreed it was a good idea.

Dobby is happy to be with his friend Nick Clegg

Relieved parents said that replacing GCSEs with something Michael Gove thought of and Nick Clegg approved of guaranteed a solid gold future for billions of English children.

The plan, unveiled today by the self-styled deputy prime minister and the Education Dobby, involves dividing the current GCSE into two and then continuing to divide by two until every pupil in the country is sitting a tailor-made exam with their name on it.

Mr Gove explained: “A child called ‘Derek’ will therefore receive a ‘Derek-Level’ or a ‘General Certificate of Derekness.

“This this will replace the culture of ‘dumbing-down’ with a culture of ‘Dereking-up’.

“Derek may even go on to attain a Derek* as long as his name is not Derek Starr. That would unfair on the other Dereks.”

The Dobby said that in order to keep the system competitive key changes would be made to the curriculum each year including reverse arithmetic, where children are taught to count down from infinity, and translating great works of literature into Munchkin.

Mr Clegg added: “I agree with everything Michael has said, except I would have used a girl’s name.

“Although there could of course be some girls called Derek and to them I humbly apologise.

“I’m Nick Clegg and I endorse this education system.”