New parents grateful for deluge of contradictory advice

FIRST-TIME parents have expressed their gratitude for the deluge of completely incompatible, hysterical advice.

Since their daughter Ava was born two weeks ago, Tom and Jane Logan have received more than 1000 crucial parenting tips, every one of which directly contravenes something else they have been told.

Tom Logan said: “I don’t know what we would have done without both sets of grandparents on hand to tell us that everything we do is dangerously wrong.

“We were so thankful to know that Ava should never be allowed to sleep on her back, or front, or side on any account.

“And then there’s the internet forums – there’s no better source of advice than complete strangers who spend their time venting their opinions on the internet.

“We now know that if we feed her too much or too little she’ll almost certainly end up in prison.”

Graham Logan said: “The really important thing is that Tom and Clare find their own way of looking after their baby – a way that we will undermine at every turn. That’s the great joy of being a grandparent.”