New parents grateful for deluge of contradictory advice

FIRST-TIME parents have expressed their gratitude for the deluge of completely incompatible, hysterical advice.

Since their daughter Ava was born two weeks ago, Tom and Jane Logan have received more than 1000 crucial parenting tips, every one of which directly contravenes something else they have been told.

Tom Logan said: “I don’t know what we would have done without both sets of grandparents on hand to tell us that everything we do is dangerously wrong.

“We were so thankful to know that Ava should never be allowed to sleep on her back, or front, or side on any account.

“And then there’s the internet forums – there’s no better source of advice than complete strangers who spend their time venting their opinions on the internet.

“We now know that if we feed her too much or too little she’ll almost certainly end up in prison.”

Graham Logan said: “The really important thing is that Tom and Clare find their own way of looking after their baby – a way that we will undermine at every turn. That’s the great joy of being a grandparent.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman who keeps voting Tory can't work out why public services are shit

A WOMAN who keeps voting for Conservative governments cannot understand why her local services are terrible.

Donna Sheridan has so far been unable to make a connection between public services being dreadful and those services being run by politicians who do not really agree with the idea of public services.

Sheridan said: “When I went to A&E it took six hours for a doctor to see me and she looked totally stressed. They should employ ones who can work quicker and handle a bit of pressure.

“The buses are always late and really expensive now. It’s the fault of the drivers because the private bus companies all have brilliant names like Fastrak and Arrivo.

“I was disappointed when they closed our library, but the librarians should have focused on making a profit instead of sponging off the state.”

She added: “I doubt the Tories are to blame but I don’t really follow the news.

“In fact, I wouldn’t mind if there was no NHS and everyone died when they got ill, just as long as the government hassles people I don’t like.”