News International to fund extra police officers

NEWS International’s desire to give money to policemen could offset the effect of government cuts, it has emerged.

Ministers are talking to the media giant about formalising payments in a bid to close the funding gap and ensure Britain’s streets remain safe for shopping.

The move has received a cautious welcome from the Association of Chief Police Officers who stressed that any changes in the law should be retrospective and that payments could also take the form of spa visits and maybe a nice Audi.

In exchange for wiping out the police budget deficit, News International will receive up to three exclusives a day, though the tip-offs will have to go through official channels rather then being passed across the table in some grimy pub in Deptford.

But critics have warned that formalising the nature of police payments will inevitably lead to more paperwork and prevent frontline officers from guarding tracksuits or stitching up some nonce.

Social policy expert, Julian Cook, said: “Policemen will end up spending hours filling out their News International tip-off forms and eventually News International is going to start exerting top-down management pressure on the policemen to come up with better stories.

“In two to three years I suspect we will have policemen taking mobile phones from crime scenes and having them biked straight over to the Sun newsdesk.”

He added: “The system would work better if we left the relationship between News International and the police as it is – which would be very good for force morale – while training our senior officers to recognise a fucking riot when they see one.”


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Broom army infiltrated by OCD extremists

NEUROTIC cleaning obsessives have infiltrated the post-riot clean-up campaign, it was claimed last night.

Volunteers in the so-called ‘broom army’ dedicated to cleaning up riot damage have reported extreme fastidiousness, including getting between pavement cracks with toothbrushes, boiling pub banners and commandeering brushes to demonstrate ‘how to do it properly’ in a borderline angry, passive-aggressive tone of voice.

Tom Logan, from Clapham, said: “I’ve seen hoovers, bleach, buckets of thrice-boiled water and creepy white rubber gloves labelled ‘L’ and ‘R’.

“I’ve heard talk of ‘spritzing’ and witnessed children getting shouted at for stepping on pavement that’s just been picked clean by some nutter with tweezers.

“They’re hijacking what was suposed to be a really positive, 48-hour gesture. We’re Londoners, we need a certain amount of grease, animal droppings and Oasis bottles filled with a cloudy yellow liquid that may at one time have been Oasis.”

A cleaning obsessive who asked not to be named said: “In one square inch of road surface there’s 4,546,435 types of human faeces, each teeming with deadly bacteria that look like microscopic land mines with antlers and razor sharp teeth.”

She added: “And we are not using brooms, technically they’re brushes. Brooms have softer bristles.

“However I have brought both, plus a range of industrial cleaning products I ordered online from Switzerland because they contain certain ingredients that remain illegal under dirty Europen law.

“We must do more than sweep if we are to eradicate the germs. It’s a multi-stage process involving chemicals, steam and counter-clockwise mopping movements.

“But the only way to truly wipe out contamination is to eradicate all human and animal life.

“I may have said too much.”