Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Ministers bowed to popular pressure after idiots incessantly used the stupid, glib, fucking irritating term to express fleeting passion for everything from trainers and pulled pork to close relatives’ funeral ceremonies.

A government spokesman said: “Ordinarily, hitting people is considered assault but we are making a special exception because if this issue is not addressed more widespread violence is inevitable.

“It is fine to say you love something. Or hate something. But if you are ‘loving’ something you are a trite bastard.”

Marketing executive Stephen Malley said: “I’m one of those superficial people whose outward puppyish enthusiasm for absolutely everything masks an empty inner life, so I must say I am ‘loving’ this new rule.

“Damn! I am not going to be loving getting a kicking! Or maybe I am, because deep down I hate myself.”

He added: “I am totally loving retro Japanese robot toys at the moment.”

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Wenger 'did not see station'

PLANS to make Arsene Wenger the voice of the London Underground have foundered after he failed to get a clear view of a single stop.

‘We are on a train’

The Arsenal manager had been asked to record a number of announcements for the Piccadilly Line, but he was unable to identify any station on the network.

Tube driver Emma Bradford said: “Either his line of sight had been temporarily obscured, or he’d been making notes when we pulled up to a station, or the platform was too far away for him to see it.

“When we got to Holloway Road he spent ages remonstrating with the signalman and then pretended he’d lost his glasses.”

Wenger hit back, saying: “They tell me it is Holloway Road, but I did not see any Holloway Road. To me it looked like, little bit, Dollis Hill.”

Wenger also refused to be drawn on Caledonian Road, Finsbury Park, and King’s Cross, saying: “If the driver says it’s King’s Cross, then we have to accept that, but I haven’t seen the footage yet. I’m sorry, but I can’t speak about something I haven’t seen.”

Bradford continued: “Eventually he got sulky and started muttering about how it was impossible to get value for money in the English train network, and that passengers who were too physical were enemies of transport.”