THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.
Ministers bowed to popular pressure after idiots incessantly used the stupid, glib, fucking irritating term to express fleeting passion for everything from trainers and pulled pork to close relatives’ funeral ceremonies.
A government spokesman said: “Ordinarily, hitting people is considered assault but we are making a special exception because if this issue is not addressed more widespread violence is inevitable.
“It is fine to say you love something. Or hate something. But if you are ‘loving’ something you are a trite bastard.”
Marketing executive Stephen Malley said: “I’m one of those superficial people whose outward puppyish enthusiasm for absolutely everything masks an empty inner life, so I must say I am ‘loving’ this new rule.
“Damn! I am not going to be loving getting a kicking! Or maybe I am, because deep down I hate myself.”
He added: “I am totally loving retro Japanese robot toys at the moment.”