Non-baby news events crunched into this week

JULY’S news events will all take place this week to clear media space for the Royal birth.

The death of Nelson Mandela, a military coup in Brazil and the exposure of a yet-to-be-decided cabinet minister’s sexual quirks will all happen before Sunday so the rest of the month can be ‘all baby’.

A BBC spokesman said: “We’re working with the Illuminati and other shady puppeteers to accelerate world happenings and ‘clear the decks for baby’.

“Mandela, who was in danger of annoyingly clinging to life for the foreseeable future, will die later today and receive 18 hours of tributes before his burial at noon tomorrow.

“Other celebrities who will be expiring earlier in the month than planned include Ronnie Biggs, Oran ‘Juice’ Jones and Kinga from Big Brother series 6.

“Meanwhile Egypt has until Wednesday to overthrow its hardline Islamist president or it is stuck with him until August.”

The Sun editor David Dinsmore said: “We’re planning three pages on the baby’s weight, four on the name, two pages each on Harry and Pippa’s presents, four pages on how Kate will regain her figure and a two-page editorial asking Prince Charles to abdicate.

“And then in the middle of the paper there’s the Royal Baby special.”

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Formula 1 switches to clown cars

RACING vehicle manufacturers are to base their designs on clown cars following the British Grand Prix.

After the race became momentarily interesting when bits flew off the cars, organisers have asked if the whole thing can fall apart by the fifth lap.

Engineer Tom Logan said: “Mercedes have said they want Lewis Hamilton to finish the race with nothing left of his vehicle but a big old-timey bulb car horn in one hand.

“It’s a considerable challenge to design a car that can reach speeds of 200mph then have all four wheels fly off simultaneously making a ‘ba-DOING’ noise.”

The circus-inspired Formula 1 cars will be assessed under intense comedic conditions, including a specially adapted wind tunnel that fires custard pies at 298mph.

Cockpits will be extended to accommodate up to twelve big-shoed drivers, including one who will spend the race upside down after misjudging his jump into the car.

Formula 1 fans’ opposition to the move has been disregarded on the basis that they are Formula 1 fans and their opinion is therefore worthless.

Red Bull has already replaced Mark Webber with Jingles, a £6m signing from Zippos circus who can simultaneously steer and knot a balloon into the shape of a poodle.