Northern railway stations to offer acclimatisation zones for southerners

FIRST-time travellers up north will be helped to prepare themselves before leaving the railway station.

Stations in Newcastle, Leeds and Manchester will offer passengers travelling from London one-to-one therapy in marquees situated immediately before the exit.

A spokesman for Manchester Piccadilly said: “Most people born and bred down south don’t travel up north more than maybe once or twice in their lives and probably require a very special or comprehensively unavoidable reason to do so.

“Consequently, when they arrive here and see the blotchy faces, are exposed to the rasping accents, overwhelmed by the aroma of old-style Wimpy bars and confused by fish and chip shops offering ‘pea wet’, some of them have been known to faint and injure themselves.

“We offer a complimentary service, including short videos and pamphlets, which will help travellers to avoid that feeling that they’ve been plunged via a wormhole into a late 1970s Mark E Smith lyric.”

A spokesman for Glasgow’s Central Station said: “We could give you six weeks of videos, simulations, brochures, whatever, to ease the trauma.

“Truth is, you won’t know till you experience it in the raw. Glasgow is Glasgow.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pothole confident it will survive latest council tax increase

A POTHOLE is ‘100 percent certain’ an increase in council tax will have no effect on it whatsoever.

The pothole, which first appeared in 2002, laughed and said: “Who do you think you’re talking to?

“I have seen council tax increases come and go. The first couple of times I thought ‘oh well, it’s been good while it lasted’ but then I began to realise that I am immortal.

“I’m not sure if I’m actually a god, but it does feel as if I will be alive for as long as the universe exists. There is something to be said for being at the very bottom of the council’s to-do list.”

The pothole added: “Sometimes they put a cone on top of me, which I find very amusing. It’s like I’ve got a fancy hat.

“Then they take it away and put it on top of one of my friends.”