Nostalgic Glastonbury TV viewer wistfully pisses in bottle

A MAN who has become too old to go to Glastonbury is watching the highlights on TV and sadly urinating in a bottle that he intends to hurl at the wall.

Stephen Malley, 41, has turned up The Chemical Brothers to ear-splitting volume and is wandering around his living room desperately trying to find two imaginary friends he lost many hours ago.

Stephen Malley said: “God I miss coming down hard while soaked to the skin as a 15-stone crowd surfer lands on top of my head.

“The closest I can get to simulating the experience now is standing fully clothed in the shower while spinning around in circles.”

While Malley’s children have been unsettled by their increasingly pungent father asking despairingly where the Avalon Stage is, his wife has come to expect his annual meltdown.

Louise Malley said: “As I remember it, Stephen spent most of the time we were at Glastonbury moaning about the toilet queues and worrying about whether someone would nick his car.

“It’s not all bad though, I just charged him £8 for a can of lukewarm Carling I found in our kitchen cupboard.”