Nostalgic Glastonbury TV viewer wistfully pisses in bottle

A MAN who has become too old to go to Glastonbury is watching the highlights on TV and sadly urinating in a bottle that he intends to hurl at the wall.

Stephen Malley, 41, has turned up The Chemical Brothers to ear-splitting volume and is wandering around his living room desperately trying to find two imaginary friends he lost many hours ago.

Stephen Malley said: “God I miss coming down hard while soaked to the skin as a 15-stone crowd surfer lands on top of my head.

“The closest I can get to simulating the experience now is standing fully clothed in the shower while spinning around in circles.”

While Malley’s children have been unsettled by their increasingly pungent father asking despairingly where the Avalon Stage is, his wife has come to expect his annual meltdown.

Louise Malley said: “As I remember it, Stephen spent most of the time we were at Glastonbury moaning about the toilet queues and worrying about whether someone would nick his car.

“It’s not all bad though, I just charged him £8 for a can of lukewarm Carling I found in our kitchen cupboard.”

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New parents find time for what they love as long as it can be done asleep on toilet

PARENTS of a newborn have found they are still able to pursue their passions at 3am seated on the toilet.

Tom and Clare Logan, 35, insist that they are enjoying fulfilling adult lives and in no way have lost every single aspect of what they considered to be their personalities since welcoming baby Kyle two months ago.

Clare said: “I’m still keenly interested in contemporary art, for about 45 seconds a day while I urinate.

“And I still do my sudoku. I just find them on the bathroom floor covered in drool with every box filled in with an ‘X’.

“My social life has admittedly suffered, but I can still see whichever friends come here and hold the baby and don’t mind that I haven’t washed in a fortnight and cry in between words.”

Tom Logan said: “Before Kyle was born we used to talk about backpacking around India with him as we love travelling so much.

“We’ll still definitely do that. But maybe we’ll try backpacking to Centreparcs first.”