Not opening presents until after Queen's Speech is bullshit, say experts

EXPERTS have confirmed that waiting until after the Queen’s Speech to open presents is total bullshit.

The Institute for Studies found that millions of households still observe the present opening tradition despite it being ‘obviously weird and wrong’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It implies that Christmas is for the Royal Family and we just get to share in it. Fuck. That.”

Wayne Hayes, a first-thing-in-the-morning present opener, is spending this Christmas with his girlfriend’s family and their ‘bizarre loyalty to this Queen’s Speech nonsense’.

Hayes said: “According to her dad everyone’s allowed to open one gift first thing, so I’ll be aiming for the one that most looks like a bottle of whisky in the hope getting through the ordeal.”

The family have yet to break the news to Hayes that everyone is expected to open one gift at a time, in front of everyone else, and make a little comment about it.

He added: “She said they listen to the Queen’s Speech on the radio as they don’t own a TV.  I’m assuming this is some sort of sick joke.”

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Countdown to disaster as man forgets to tell mum that new girlfriend is vegan

A MAN has unwittingly laid the groundwork for a disastrous Christmas lunch by forgetting to say that his girlfriend is vegan.

Tom Logan, 32, has been reminded more than once by new partner Nikki Hollis to share this information ahead of the high-stakes meal, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, mother Joanne Logan remains completely unaware of her house guest’s dietary requirements, despite raising the issue in a phone call with her son, who was was fiddling with his iPad at the time and not really listening.

As a result, a panicked Hollis will face the choice of betraying her beliefs or trying to eat around the near-ubiquitous animal matter, including potatoes roasted in goose fat and Brussels sprouts fried with bacon.

Relationship expert Dr Emma Bradford said: “The ensuing awkwardness will either mark the start of a difficult relationship between the two women, or enable them to bond over Tom’s stupidity.

“Either way he is quite fucked.”