Office jobs 'much worse' than manual labour

OFFICE jobs are actually more stressful and unpleasant than manual labour, research has revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that while both types of job are essentially horrible, office work is worse because you have to pretend to like it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You need to feign interest in whatever tedious products or services your company is selling, whereas no one is expected to get excited about digging a hole.

“If you work in an office everyone stays late as a sly political move to achieve personal advancement, whereas with manual jobs the culture is to fuck off to the pub at the first opportunity.

“Clearly manual labour is tiring, but so is going to the gym which desk workers have to do after spending eight hours sat on their arses eating Hob Nobs in a vain attempt to fill the emptiness inside.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I do sometimes wonder why I bothered to get a load of qualifications just so that someone can tell me off for not washing up my coffee mug.

“Now I realise why your parents always tell you to do well at school. It’s because they want to keep all the cushy manual jobs for themselves.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bilderberg Group meets to decide next season's hemlines

THE all-powerful Bilderberg Group has met to decide whether the puffball skirt will make a comeback in autumn.

Other issues to be discussed by the group, which includes business leaders, powerful politicians and Ed Balls, are whether there should be a Miranda Christmas special and the exact breeds of dog allowed to use the suffix ‘doodle’.

Protestor Tom Booker said: “Every year the world’s most powerful people get together to decide vital issues like the new levels on Angry Birds Seasons and if chandeliers are still happening in suburban living rooms, and every year the public is locked out of the process.

“But we’re the ones who must deal with the consequences. We have to eat the salted caramels, wear the Superdry clothes and watch the Twilight films.”

Bilderberg attendee George Osborne said: “The conspiracy theorists have got it all wrong. We’re not discussing world-changing stuff, like bringing out iPhones in a range of bright colours or Jennifer Lawrence’s secret carbs-on-Tuesdays diet.

“It’s just really boring shit, like the planned collapse of the world economy, the suppression of drugs which can halt the aging process and secret contact with alien civilisations. You wouldn’t be at all interested.

“Oh, and it’s not true about world leaders secretly being seven-foot lizards. Apart from Peter Mandelson obviously.”