Online personality quiz finds user to be gullible procrastinator

AN ONLINE personality test has proved 100 per cent accurate in predicting the woman completing it is self-obsessed and bored with her job.

Junior accountant Emma Bradford, who in the last week alone has completed quizzes revealing her to be Ross from Friends, Ron Weasley from Harry Potter and Michael Heseltine from the 1979-1983 Thatcher cabinet, spent more than two hours on the survey.

The test stunned her with an accurate assessment that she places too much faith in spurious psychometric tests, puts off hard work and irritates others by posting test results on Facebook.

Bradford said: “Apparently I’m someone who has an extremely unfulfilling yet cushy job, a narcissistic desire to make myself the centre of any conversation and a desperate need to fit my aimless life into a wider narrative.

“The quiz also mentioned that I was in danger of receiving a verbal warning from my manager for doing too many online quizzes, which happened the very next day. Spooky.”

The history of personality quizzes goes back to the Rorschach test, developed in 1921 by Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach, who wanted to confirm that random shapes would make him think about sex.

 

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ISIS handbook to be turned into Cosmo column

TIPS on how to be a female jihadi will soon appear in the pages of Cosmopolitan, the magazine has confirmed.

The column, inspired by the ISIS handbook for women, covers everything from fashion and nights out to why female orgasms are disrespectful to your husband.

It will be written by bearded cleric Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, who understands women better than any Westerner because he has read the Koran.

Cosmo editor Helen Archer said: “We’ve been having trouble cracking that difficult death-to-the-West demographic.

“Our new columnist really knows what’s going on behind the veil of the radical Islamist woman-in -the-street as long as she is accompanied by her husband, brother or cousin.

“The first one covers the problem of being a 17-year-old spinster, suggesting readers could snag themselves a guy by waiting patiently for a male relative to find a man in his 60s he owes a debt of honour to.

“In further issues the latest trends in hair, make up and fashion will be rated for their levels of satanic whorishness, and women will be encouraged to write in to identify which of them have defied Allah’s holy design by learning how to write.”