NASA probe seeks new planets to borrow money from

A NASA space probe has been launched to find Earth-like planets who can lend us money.

As global debt approaches $200 trillion, the probe is aimed at making contact with alien civilisations and sending back information on their interest rates and whether they accept children as collateral.

NASA spokesman Nathan Muir said: “Obviously we’re also keen to exchange technology and forge friendships, but realistically speaking this is about cash.

“Perhaps we can provide an example of how not to build a financial system so rapacious that the entire planet is facing bankruptcy. Or maybe we could sell them iPhones.”

Previous missions to touch other planets for a loan included the Beagle 2 expedition to Mars, which was equipped with irresistible, big begging eyes.


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New Harper Lee book finally explains how to kill mockingbirds

AUTHOR Harper Lee has promised that her new book will contain explicit instructions on how to catch and kill mockingbirds.

The 88-year-old has written the book after admitting crucial passages had been left out of her last one, turning what should have been a pest disposal manual into nothing but a hackneyed courtroom melodrama.

She said: “Like all sensible people I abhor mockingbirds – I like most birds fine, but I hate to be mocked – and I thought an instructional pamphlet on dispatching them, told in the Southern vernacular, would be most useful.

“I was horrified to learn that for decades people had been reading an early draft full of childish nonsense about heroic white folk defending helpless black folks with hardly a useful tip for avian slaughter to be found.

“Why people have been reading it all these years heaven knows. I pity them.”

Lee’s new book, entitled How To Kill A Mockingbird In Four Easy Stages, comes with step-by-step instructions, colour photographs and mockingbird recipes including Cajun Mockingbird, Dixie Fried Mockingbird and Alabama Mockingbird Stew.

English teacher Denys Hatton said: “I fucking hate mockingbirds, dancing around taking the piss out of me with their sweet, clear song.

“To finally be able to take them down will be compensation for having to read this dreadful book so many times.”