Ordinary man strangely not allowed to stop paying tax

A MAN has received absolutely no help from the government with his plan to stop paying tax.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “Paying tax is clearly optional, so it’s daft to keep doing it when I can barely afford my rent. I’ve always paid it in the past but now I need to grow up and sort out my finances.

“However when I phoned HMRC and asked if they could recommend a good tax avoidance scheme they didn’t even have a leaflet to send.

“The woman on the phone even said I could go to prison for not paying tax. I’m confused now because the Queen’s not a criminal, unless she’s a lot more dodgy than she looks.

“Undeterred, I phoned a bank in the Cayman Islands. They were quite helpful until I said I’d only got £39.20 in my savings account. Seems there’s one rule for us and another for Bono.”

Hayes searched the Inland Revenue website but was unable to find any tips on putting his wealth into a Bermuda-based trust.

He added: “The government should do some ‘how-to’ videos on YouTube, perhaps with an animated character called ‘Charlie the Tax Avoidance Cat’. He’d be like Top Cat except instead of stealing fish he’s setting up shell companies with deliberately bland names like ‘Feline Holdings Ltd’.”

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Stars of Mrs Brown’s Boys hoarding as much money as possible before their audience sobers up

THE stars of Mrs Brown’s Boys are accumulating as much money as possible before their audience sobers up and realises the show is an abomination.

It has emerged that three stars of the BBC sitcom have used an offshore tax-avoidance scheme to hoard £2m in the knowledge they will eventually have to flee to the Caribbean, or be set upon by the millions of angry licence payers who watched the show because they were too drunk to find the remote control.

A BBC spokesman said: “Britain’s ever-growing alcohol dependency has allowed us to churn out some absolutely horrific stuff.

“The cast pleaded with us to let them do something of real quality, but we assured them it would be a complete waste of time.

“Fair play to them if they want to take advantage of this, but the day of reckoning will come if you all finally stop drinking.”

The spokesman added: “The Blue Planet is just some puppets in a fish tank.”