Mother unveils breakthrough discovery about 33-year-old daughter's face

A MOTHER has announced the discovery of age-related imperfections on her 33-year-old daughter’s face.

Mary Fisher and her daughter Susan were browsing for Christmas presents in John Lewis, when the light caught Susan’s face at an angle clearly revealing ‘crow’s feet’ and other signs of ageing.

Once satisfied in the veracity of her findings, Fisher announced them to everyone in earshot on the second floor of the department store.

She told her daughter: “I can’t believe you’ve got wrinkles, it seems like only yesterday you were young.”

Fisher added: “Obviously if you see signs of ageing in your daughter you have to alert her. She might not notice otherwise, which could lead to insufficient effort to find a husband.

“Anyway I told her she’s still quite attractive for her age, and it’ll be fine so long as she never smiles.

“But she mustn’t frown. That’s why her forehead’s like it is.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How’s about you at least pay for doing up your own house? Britain asks Queen

BRITAIN has suggested that if the Queen wants to avoid tax she could at least do up her own house with her own money.

As it emerged the monarch is giving Vladimir Putin lessons in ‘tax efficiency’, her subjects said she could perhaps fund the £370m refurbishment of Buckingham Palace instead of them.

Stephen Malley, from Stevenage, said: “I’m a teacher so I don’t have 48 accountants based in the Cayman Islands.

“This means I’m doing up my kitchen with a six grand loan from Barclays, rather than asking the Queen to pay for it.

“And applying for the loan was no picnic. Barclays may as well have given me an anal probe.”

He added: “I was brought up to believe that if you want nice things you should work hard and pay for them yourself, rather than creating a series of elaborate scams involving offshore funds and the British public’s belief in ‘tradition’ and ‘continuity’.

“But what would I know? I’m just a history teacher who pays tax at 20 percent like a fucking idiot.”