Our children proved naturally academic once again, say parents of private school kids

PARENTS of children sent to private school are again interpreting today’s GCSE results as a sign they are naturally more intelligent.

Parents believe costly tuition, extra support and smaller class sizes are just a distraction from how inherently superior privately educated children’s brains are, although they pay through the nose for them anyway.

Mum Francesca Johnson said: “It’s all due to genetics and nothing else. Knowing Pythagoras’ theorem and the main themes of The Merchant of Venice are definitely inherited traits.

“I expect the brains of state school children look like shrivelled up prunes in comparison, their synapses withered and stunted due to a lack of Latin lessons. It’s kinder to them if they leave formal education now and begin lives of mindless toil. 

“My daughter Lucinda definitely owes her exam success to DNA, evolution or simply fate, and not the private tutor we got because left to her own devices the daft cow would be texting about boys 24/7.”

Dad Denys Finch Hatton said: “The numbers don’t lie. Once again private school students have achieved the best results, and all because gifted children happened to be born to affluent parents. It’s a statistical miracle.

“Imagine the injustice if an intelligent child wasn’t able to prove themselves due to financial circumstances. Luckily that has never happened and the poor ones are all thick as pigshit.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Boyfriend introduced to concept of toilet brush

A MAN’S world has been turned upside down after being told what the brush situated next to the toilet is for.

Jack Browne, who recently moved in with girlfriend Lauren Hewitt, was unaware it was desirable to remove stinking skid marks and other faecal remnants, and would never have guessed there was a special tool for doing so.

Browne said: “It all started when I used the loo like I did every morning at my old flat, leaving a long brown streak of my handiwork down the bowl as nature intended.

“Within seconds I heard Lauren screaming her head off. Not in fear or pain, more that ‘angry’ scream that’s usually something to do with me. 

“It turns out you actually use a brush to wipe away shit, which is pretty horrible in itself, but it’s a special brush that doesn’t get big lumps of poo stuck to it. That makes girlfriends happy, apparently. Women are strange.

“Obviously I’d seen the brush next to our toilet before, but I never made the connection. I assumed it was something women used on their periods.”

Hewitt said: “I’ve decided to start an online awareness campaign designed to educate men about the basics of toilet brush use. I’m calling it Get Your Shit Together, pun intended.

“Actually I hope the idiots don’t think that means ‘keep it in a box’ or something. It’s possible.”