Oxford English Dictionary shuts down and tells Britain to f**k off

THE Oxford English Dictionary has declared the ‘tears of joy emoji’ as Word of the Year before telling Britain to go fuck itself.

The 150-year-old institution had hoped the Word of the Year would be a word rather than a picture, but instead the staff have decided to pack it in for good.

A spokesman sad: “It’s not up to us to just choose a word that we like. We stand back and watch how you communicate. It’s a truly horrible job and we’ve had enough.

“Our slogan is ‘language matters’ but it obviously doesn’t. You don’t need dictionaries anymore. All the words we’ve collected have been rendered meaningless, whether they are spelled correctly or not. And, for the avoidance of doubt, they are not.

“So you can all just fuck off.”

He added: “Fuck – Have sexual intercourse with; Damage or ruin.  Off – So as to be removed or separated; So as to bring to an end or be discontinued.”

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Nigella exhibiting signs of demonic possession

TV COOK Nigella Lawson is possessed by a demon, it has emerged.

Vatican experts were called in after Nigella baked half a lettuce while staring vacantly and talking in a sensual yet strangely emotionless voice.

Priest Tom Logan said: “Nigella is under the control of an incubus, a biblical sex demon that lures men with the unspoken promise of depraved acts.

“Males find her hypnotic, which is why she gets away with recipes like ‘some rice with bits of avocado on it’ and ‘toasted toast’.”

“You can’t see her feet in the programme, but she actually hovers around the kitchen. If she wants something off a high shelf she just levitates to get it.

“We gave her a glass of lemon grass cordial with holy water in it and it made her cough fire.”

He added: “Do not enter her massive kitchen with out-of-focus things in the foreground. It is a place of evil.”

Viewer Stephen Malley said: “I tell myself I only watch the programme from a position of masochistic class envy, but she talks to me in my sleep, telling me to do weird, wrong things.

“Like baking half a lettuce.”