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Paddington sues over claims he was the late Queen's booty call

PADDINGTON Bear has taken legal action over suggestions that he was, in her final year, Queen Elizabeth II’s designated f**kbuddy. 

The much-loved character, officially chosen by the Palace to usher the Queen to the afterlife after her death in 2022, has told media they were friends and nothing more.

He continued: “Yes, after our meeting at the Platinum Jubilee we forged a firm friendship. Yes, she was a single lady and very attractive. Yes, I am a normal bear with normal needs.

“But to imply our relationship became sexual, that at any time or day of night the Brown family were receiving calls summoning me to Balmoral, and that I returned exhausted and frankly sticky are untrue. It was marmalade. The stickiness was marmalade.

“Certainly I was at the Palace a lot. We’re friends. Sometimes, if she felt a little frail, I would talk to her in the bed and that’s why there was so much fur in it.

“To say I was an on-call ho servicing the Regina vagina is untrue and defamatory and that is why I am issuing proceedings. Justice must be done.”

He added: “What? How did I become owner of Sandringham? A gift, from an anonymous friend.”

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Man thinks of music from 2016 as new

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

37-year-old Tom Booker’s grasp of recency is so tenuous that if he hears Drake’s Hotline Bling or Zara Larsson’s Lush Life he is still a little bit proud of himself for knowing some of the chorus.

He said: “Ariana Grande, Beyoncé, Rihanna? These are all current artists still producing relevant music. Which means it’s essentially the present day.

“No, I haven’t listened to Lemonade yet but it’s on my list of albums to get round to. The singles are bangers, and just by saying that I’ve shown I’m into modern music and haven’t turned into my parents who desperately cling on to the tunes of their youth.

“Old music is stuff like the Beatles or Led Zeppelin. Not that there’s anything up with them, they just lack the contemporary punch of Justin Timberlake’s Can’t Stop the Feeling! I heard that on Heart FM the other day. Think it’s still in the top ten.

“Even the music of my youth, classics like Gorillaz’s Feel Good Inc, is still contemporary. There’s nobody been born and grown up and driving a car and voting since then. No way.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I pointed out that a referendum, five prime ministers and a pandemic have happened since Rag ’n’ Bone Man’s Human. I think I destroyed his sense of self.”

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