Parents badgered into buying monkey that smokes fags

WORN-DOWN parents have purchased a cigarette-smoking monkey as their young son’s Christmas gift.

Mother Mary Fisher admitted buying the nicotine-addicted grey monkey did not feel quite right, but that her nine-year-old son Toby just kept on badgering her.

She said: “At first we were adamant, I mean there are so many reasons not to buy a monkey, especially one that smokes 60 Rothmans a day.

“But every time the advert for ‘Fags Monkey’ came on television he would drag me into the room and explain how it would be educational and how Wayne Haye’s parents have said he could have one.

“I explained that it was expensive, inhumane and a rabies risk. But whatever I said he would just reply ‘fags monkey, fags monkey’ in a sing-song voice.”

The monkey, which is larger and stronger-looking than expected, is now hidden in the family’s loft where it will consume fruit and cigarettes until Fisher’s husband brings it down on Christmas day in a gift-wrapped cage. It has already bitten Mary Fisher on her leg.

However Fisher’s son Toby said: “I wanted a real live monkey that smokes cigarettes for Christmas, but that was last week. Now I want some Lego.”

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Massive cat responds to shooing with icy glare

A HUGE cat has responded to attempts to evict it from a garden with cold indifference.

Householder Tom Booker said: “I was looking out of the window when I saw this thing like a furry boulder drop over the fence. This cat was the size of a young deer.

“I could see it was, in a leisurely manner, preparing to defecate so I ran out shouting.

“It just looked at me like it didn’t give a fuck. No, not ‘like it didn’t give a fuck’ – it categorically didn’t give a fuck.

“I considered how, although I am bigger than it, it probably has fights every day.

“I just went back into the house and tried to forget about it.”