Parents in last-minute dash to miss school play

PARENTS across the country are making every effort possible not to see their children’s Christmas plays.

Ready for the first year’s production of Pink Floyd’s The Wall

The shows, ranging from Biblical epics to Cats with excessive smoke machine usage, can permanently damage parents’ respect for their offspring.

Joanna Kramer of Bolton said: “I managed to see my son’s performance in Oliver! last year – unfortunately, I had no work commitments I couldn’t get out of – and I couldn’t look him in the eye until February.

“Seeing that puffed-up little popinjay strutting around on stage horrified me. I mean, that’s how Russell Brand started.

“So I’ve spent the last two months embezzling money and anonymously alerted the police yesterday, ensuring I’m safely behind bars for the big night.”

Lawyer Julian Cook said: “My wife and I have been having an absolute nightmare with excuses and in the end they’ve all fallen through.

“The M4 traffic might save us, or I could drive into a concrete embankment. If I fall into a coma for a few months then the show should have just about finished.”

Nine-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I hope they don’t let me down by turning up this year.

“I’m not even in the play. I just needed an angel costume to go clubbing.”

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Killer A.I. better than annoying android kid with emotions

DEADLY intelligent machines are preferable to ‘cute’ kid androids that bang on about not being real children, according to experts.

After Stephen Hawking claimed that artificial intelligence could destroy humanity, leading roboticists argued that murderous robots are far better than ones that want a real dad.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “If you’ve ever seen the films A.I., Short Circuit, or Bicentennial Man you will know that kind-hearted intelligent machines are immensely irritating and should be pushed off the nearest roof.

“They want to be loved and to be part of a family. Fuck off.

“By comparison ED-209 in Robocop is brilliant, despite being a total psycho.”