Parents practising shocked expressions ahead of son's shit A-level results

A COUPLE are working hard on their shocked faces in preparation for their son’s inevitably shitty A-level results.

Sue and Colin Roberts have been practising a range of responses to prevent their son Ben from realising that they saw this coming a mile off.

Sue said: “We’ve been workshopping different scenarios – we think the best case at this point will be three Ds.

“Although after hearing him try to speak French on holiday – after supposedly studying it for two years – it could be far, far worse than that.”

The pair explained that they have honed a variety of parental acting skills over the years, including pretending not to notice when Ben is stoned out of his mind, and mustering enthusiasm for his YouTube channel of acoustic cover versions of Abba songs.

Sue added: “To be honest, we’re just relieved that he won’t be going to university – that would have nine grand a year down the bog.”

Colin added: “Plus, we like to steal his weed and smoke it in the shed when he’s upstairs.”

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How much money would it take for you to just f**k off? world asks Trump

THE global population has asked Donald Trump to name his price for fucking off and never coming back.

After the US ‘president’ once again defended self-proclaimed Nazis, billions of people agreed it was time to put their hands in their pockets.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “There’s about seven billion of us so if we all chip in an average of one dollar each, surely that would be enough.

“He loves money so he must have a price. Then he can go back to his golf courses full time and surround himself with like-minded, property developing twats.

“And it would it mean he could finally pay off the Russians to whom he obviously owes a huge amount of money.”

Sanjay Patel, from Delhi, said: “I’m in.”

Zhang Wei, from Beijing, added: “I’ve set up a crowdfunding thing. Let’s get this done.”