Cat judging owner for taking it out on lead

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

Tabby cat Sheeran, who has resisted his name from the beginning, is always humiliated by the looks he gets on his weekly walk with owner Nikki Hollis, who believes it is a welcome break from the snug one bedroom flat they share.

Sheeran said: “Nikki thinks I get ‘pent up’ at home. Sure, some days I’m pissed off but that’s not why I shredded her curtains, sofa and rug. That’s because I think she has shit taste.”

Hollis said: “The breeder said he is a Norwegian forest cat, so he craves walking long distances and being out in the open, which is hard living in a second floor flat in the middle of Croydon.

“People can stare all they want – I know I’m doing what’s best for my little puss-pusscat. I can see how happy being out and about makes him”.

Sheeran added: “The breeder made up that bullshit about my Nordic heritage so she could charge more. I know for a fact my Dad was from a street gang in Didcot and my Mum had a gammy eye.

“If I’m a pedigree, then Nikki’s a well-adjusted woman who’s definitely not out of her mind.”

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DVD still not working despite being wiped on man's trouser leg 

A DVD is still not working despite the owner wiping it on his jeans before putting it back into the machine.

Tom Logan was watching a DVD of Ex Machina with friends last night when the disc began to skip before mysteriously stopping altogether.

Logan said, “I don’t understand it. I wiped it on my trouser leg thoroughly. The wiping obviously didn’t lift off the scratches on the disc but I don’t see why that would matter.

“I blew in the DVD player too, thus meaning that any stray hairs that might have found their way directly underneath the laser inside the machine would be moved.

“I’m totally stumped.”

Logan’s friend Nikki Hollis added: “Why the fuck haven’t you got Netflix yet?”