Pathetic block of cheddar demolished in single sitting

A BIG block of extra mature cheddar has proven itself weak and helpless in the face of one fearless man.

Wayne Hayes took on the slab of tangy Davidstow last night after work and did not relent until all 350 grammes of it was obliterated.

Hayes said: “It was on offer in the supermarket, just staring up at me like the weak little dairy oblong it was.

“After breaking it open at the bus stop, I attacked it with some crisps and crackers at home and then finished it grated over pasta for my dinner. It was almost too easy.

“Cheese can’t beat me. While there are blocks of strong-tasting but creamy cheese in the world, it is my duty to destroy them in the only way I know. Orally.”

Hayes’s wife, Laura, said: “While he was cooking dinner, Wayne was just breaking bits off and chucking them into his mouth.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him use the resealable function on a pack of cheese.”

Hayes added: “I’m not a hero, I’m just an ordinary guy who sees a tangy yellow lump and wants it gone.”

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Student loans sold to hard bastard who hates students

STUDENT loans have been sold to an extremely hard bastard who hates students and is into cage fighting.  

All student loans now belong to ‘debt reclamation professional’ Roy Hobbs, known on the cage fighting circuit as ‘Brute Force’.

Universities minister Jo Johnson said: “I’m sure Roy will act with professionalism and courtesy at all times and his description of students as ‘scrounging la-di-da bastard scum’ was just a joke.

“No one should feel under pressure over student debt, but on the other hand having your legs broken might be just the extra motivation you need to find a well-paid graduate job.”

Hobbs said: “It’s well known that all students are posh and rich, so if they don’t pay up they are ‘disrespecting’ me and deserve a kicking.

Recent graduate Julian Cooke said: “When Roy kicked my parents’ door in I explained I was entitled to deferred payment, but he just called me a ‘slag’ and threw me through a window.

“Apparently I’m dead if I don’t come up with £40,000 by this afternoon, which is difficult because I’m only doing unpaid work experience to try and break into journalism.”