THEY should be locking up the real criminals, and the real criminals are anyone guilty of these:
Pushing in at the bar
Pubs are fun, and like everything fun they have a clearly outlined, if unwritten, set of rules to follow. People who push in should get a decade of porridge. Lax bar staff who can’t remember who was actually first are guilty too. They get 18 months as an accessory.
Paying for something whilst on the phone
This astonishing lack of manners is a good reason to bring back hanging. Maybe that’s a bit extreme, so instead just 10 years for people who treat the human being behind the till like they don’t exist. In with the nonces you go.
Aggressively persistent cold callers
Nuisance sales calls are bad enough, but the real scum are the ones who absolutely will not give up, trying to prolong the conversation to get their hooks into you or, even worse, your gullible old gran. Ten years is probably a bit lenient – let’s make it 30.
Slow walkers are somehow worse than adults on scooters. Even when the streets are deserted, chances are you’ll get stuck behind someone shuffling along like a snail taking a Sunday stroll to buy a paper. Ten years should give them time to reflect on their crime. And no Playstation.
Music on the bus with no headphones
A familiar crime, but definitely worth a stint in chokey with no parole. And why do people who blare out music on public transport always listen to total shit? Luckily now they’ll have 10 long years to ask their cellmate at Wormwood Scrubs.