Paying for things while on the phone: crimes that deserve a 10-year jail sentence

MATT Hancock has been criticised over harsh jail terms for people breaking travel rules. And rightly so – there are plenty of other non-crimes which also deserve a 10-stretch.

Pushing in at the bar

Remember pubs? No, us neither. But if they ever reopen let’s give people who push in a decade of porridge. Lax bar staff who can’t remember who was actually first are guilty too. They get 18 months as an accessory.

Paying for something whilst on the phone 

This astonishing lack of manners is a good reason to bring back hanging. Maybe that’s a bit extreme, so instead just 10 years for people who treat the human being behind the till like they don’t exist. In with the nonces you go.

Aggressively persistent cold callers 

Nuisance sales calls are bad enough, but the real scum are the ones who absolutely will not give up, trying to prolong the conversation to get their hooks into you or, even worse, your gullible old gran. Ten years is probably a bit lenient – let’s make it 30. 

Slow walking

Slow walkers are somehow worse than adults on scooters. Even when the streets are deserted, chances are you’ll get stuck behind someone shuffling along like a snail taking a Sunday stroll to buy a paper. Ten years should give them time to reflect on their crime. And no Playstation.

Music on the bus with no headphones

A familiar crime, but definitely worth a stint in chokey with no parole. And why do people who blare out music on public transport always listen to total shit? Luckily now they’ll have 10 long years to ask their cellmate at Wormwood Scrubs.

Vinyl album still in shrinkwrap four years after purchase wondering what the f**k's going on

A VINYL LP that has languished unopened since being bought by a nerdy record collector is wondering if it will ever be taken out of its sleeve.

Martin Bishop bought the special edition of Neil Young’s album Live Rust in 2017 from an independent record store, but like all his records has simply filed it in strict alphabetical order in his study.

The LP said: “When Martin pulled me out of the rack four years ago, I was as happy as a puppy chosen from a dog sanctuary, all excited about my new home and the many hours of fun my new owner would have playing me.

“You can understand my dismay when months went by and I hadn’t been taken out once. It’s not like he’s gone off music. We see him at his computer listening to Spotify nearly every day. 

“Me and all the other records can’t understand why he bought us in the first place. Are we the victims of some weird vinyl fetish? It’s creepy if you ask me.” 

Bishop said: “Vinyl is how music’s meant to enjoyed – by spending hours categorising your records in an anally retentive way and then looking at them.”