People reading drug report double check they are not on drugs

A NEW high-level report on drug policy makes so much sense that people reading it have had to double check they are not off their tits.

The report, produced by a panel of international statesmen who probably do not own one of those really, really big bongs, said the war on drugs is unwinnable and calls for all the things that experts who know exactly what they are talking about have been saying for years.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy includes former UN chief Kofi Annan, Greek prime minister George Papandreou, former US Federal Reserve chairman Paul Volcker and former US secretary of state, George Shultz. That’s right, former US secretary of state, George Shultz.

And, just so you know you are not toasted like a crumpet, that was ‘former US secretary of state, George Shultz’. 

Meanwhile, experts immediately pointed out that it was not Pete Doherty, Joan Baez or someone called ‘Cheech’.

Home secretary, Theresa May, said: “Decriminalisation, controlled sale, undermining drug gangs, extra help for addicts, political courage. Oh Jesus, I must be fucked out of my bonce.

“Hang on, let me read it again.

“Decriminalisation, controlled sale, undermining drug gangs, extra help for addicts, political courage. Ooooooh maaaaan. Quick – how many fingers have I got?”

After being examined by a doctor who confirmed the home secretary was not freaking like a monkey, May put the report in the bin, set fire to the room the bin was in and then bulldozed the street the room was in.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: “George Shultz was one of Ronald Reagan’s closest friends. He wasn’t exactly baked out of his Christian conservative skull when Reagan was bombing Libya.

“He is also 90 and does not have a suspiciously large number of heat lamps in his attic.”

Nevertheless the report was immediately dismissed as ‘naive’ by some 14 year-old Oxfordshire ponce who has been prime minister of Britain for about 20 minutes.

Julian Cook, who has now read the report three times while walking up and down in a straight line, said: “I had to be really sure because I once read an official report on drug policy that was totally sensible but the next morning I realised I had actually been reading the back of a large box of Frosties. Upside down.

“I still think that crazy tiger should be King of the World.”


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I thought things were going great with my boyfriend. We have so much in common, have the same wicked sense of humour and laid-back approach to life, and whenever we get together in the bedroom, we’re like two randy sheep rutting in a field. So you can imagine how distraught I was to receive a text message out of the blue telling me we’re finished and never to contact him or go near him or his family. What makes is worse is now I’m going to have to find someone else to impregnate me with the next messiah and commence the decimation of the human race. I was sure this one seemed keen – where am I going wrong?  

Dear Amanda,
Even the best of us have to deal with rejection sometimes: look at Cheryl Cole. She’s lost her job on American X-Factor because of her German accent; at least that’s the story we’re being fed by the news: we all know it’s really because she likes to beat up black people, and there must be at least 75 black people in America, including King Obama, so they obviously won’t be wanting her sort.  Now poor old Cheryl’s been sent packing, she has no job and no husband and she doesn’t even do rude dancing in her pants like Rhianna and Lady Gaga so it’s only a matter of time before people stop liking her altogether. Let’s hope her new friend can save her career – although seeing as he doesn’t even know how to use a full stop it does seem unlikely.
Hope that helps!